My Gilmore Girls review game has been lacking as of late. Lots of factors contributed to this (busy weekends, Gotham sucking my will to live let alone review, etc.) but none of that matters. What matters is I get off my ass and write some god damned Gilmore Girls reviews!
We begin this episode with Kirk fat-shaming the girls because he was too weak to take them to Luke’s in his pedicab. Hand to God – this is the exact reason I have never ridden in a pedicab. I bike alone!
At Yale, Paris is preaching to Rory about the diet Posh McBookington has her on – bran flakes, anti-oxidant teas, etc. She says it’s because he wants her to “be healthy and live a long time!” No, Paris, he wants you eating like that because he doesn’t want you to get fat or age even an hour.
Their Fit Roommate is driving to Florida for Spring Break with a guy who will probably kill her and several others once he gets hold of a firearm. She invites them to go but, since they’re “serious girls” who are protesting prisoners in another country, spring break is beneath them. The “I’m not like other girls” is strong in this show.
Lorelai goes to Luke’s wearing a sweater with a cat face on it. I want one. I want all my clothing to be cat clothing.
Luke is even more crabby than usual because he’s not wearing his socks. He’s wearing the socks of another man, which means his wife that we all forgot existed is cheating on him. I do not feel bad for him. Sorry not sorry. They’re supposed to be giving their marriage a try, yet he rarely stays at THEIR town home and then he just lends other women 30k without discussing it with his wife first. I’m glad Pretty Lawyer is getting it somewhere else. I hope he’s giving it to her better than Luke ever did.
After freezing their asses off and getting rained on, Paris and Rory decide to go to Florida with Fit Roommate and Future Spree Killer (I honestly don’t know I should use that to refer to Paris instead of Glen as it could go either way with her.)
In “Florida”, they stay at a place called the Sea Sprite, which is an actual place in Hermosa Beach, CA. (It’s website looks like it’s still using geocities.)
I’m currently obsessed with independent motels. They’re all over LA and every time we drive by I wonder who is staying in them and how they survive in the increasingly corporate chain-everything environment we live in. How have these places resisted becoming just another Motel 6 or Hilton?
Paris treats everyone working in the hotel like their servants instead of actual people who happen to be working a job. She showers them with money because she thinks it makes them more likely to do right by her instead of more likely to put her name at the top of the “To Guillotine” list once the revolution comes. You can tell she’s never worked a service job, which I think should be a requirement for all people regardless of income level. When you’re a teenager/college kid you should have to do at least 6 months waiting tables or working retail. Once you see what unimaginable monsters people can be toward waitstaff/retail workers, you will go out of your way to not be an asshole to service staff.
While Rory is enjoying(?) her vacation, Lorelai is sleeping with Digger, A Dried Booger Stuck To A Table. I think we all know which Gilmore is having the better time. Digger, a Dehydrated Prune That Has Fallen Under A Stove, gives Lorelai a key to his apartment, presumably so he doesn’t have to bother with letting her into the sex toy entertainment room he banishes her to after they have sex.
Rory and Paris hit the “beach”. I put it in quotes because they sit on lawn furniture under a huge ass tent and complain about how loud everything is. When in Florida do like the Olds, I always say. Madeline and Louise show up because they’ve been there for a month celebrating all the spring breaks. I admire their dedication to partying. Later, Paris and Rory have a night in by eating pizza and watching Joseph Campbell and the Power of Myth. Woah. Don’t party too hard, ladies! I’m sure Joey Campbell is fun and all, but may I recommend a true masterpiece? This movie belongs in the pantheon of amazingly bad movies and it’s called DEATH SPA.
I’d never heard of this movie until I went to an all-night horror movie marathon the weekend before Halloween. They showed it. I loved it. And then a few weeks later How Did This Get Made released an episode about it. I love really bad horror movies and Death Spa made me run out and try to find more that were as ridiculous and amazing. So far, no luck. I tried Night School (about a killer killing co-eds in Boston) which was boring, and The Intruder (about a killer stalking the overnight crew working at a grocery store) which was better.
The next day Rory decides to talk to a guy who is like a cross between Floppy and Broody (I shall call him Broopy). Basically he’s cute as hell but seems dumb as a seagull. Then they go to a concert where the band members are all wearing sweaters. Broopy is there being all hot and dumb. He doesn’t come sprinting over to Rory begging for her hand in marriage so she gets a little bent out of shape. Paris decides to spice up the place and lays one on Rory because this is back when straight chicks would make out in clubs for dude approval (does that still happen? Please, inform an Old of your young ways.) This, of course, gets Broopy’s approval. NOW he wants to talk to Rory. LOL. Ok, bro. You probably can’t please one girl let alone two, but keep thinking you can play in the big leagues.
The girls head back to the motel to get trashed with Madeline & Louise, which is obviously the better choice than facilitating Broopy’s pants feels. Rory tells everyone that Floppy is married and Madeline and Louise are all “WHY THE FUCK IS HE MARRIED???” Right? And then they make a “prediction” that Floppy’s marriage will fall apart because he’s still in love with Rory. Even if he wasn’t in love with Rory, all your divorced friends who got married straight out of high school could have told you that it’ll never last. Then they drunk dial him because why not?
Lorelai and Digger, He Who Must Not Be Named, have the “I want to get serious with you!” talk. After, Lorelai checks her messages to find that Luke needs her to pick him up. FROM JAIL. She picks him up and he has this whole story about the sock man and kicking a car and getting arrested. Bottom line – he’s jealous because his neglected wife moved on. Cheating is wrong, but so is neglecting your spouse because you’re in love with one of your friends. #TeamNoOne
Paris and Rory leave spring break early because they’re all funned out.
Floppy calls Rory. Yay! Another guy neglecting his spouse so he can talk to another woman! How romantic!!