Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 4, Episode 18 “Tick, Tick, Tick Boom”

In this cold open of the Gilmore Girls, Luke hates babies and Taylor has decided to wear a dead possum on his head. (R.I.P. rodent.)

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Michele bitches as he and Floppy move a bookcase around the Dragonfly…which, coincidentally, has the exact same layout as the Independence Inn. Who knew they had tract housing way back in the 1800s?

At Friday Night Dinner, Lorelai cannot shut up about anvils. This diatribe is probably the result of a script being too short (see the “previously on..” package at the beginning of the episode for proof of this episode running under time) so a writer was tasked with making Loreali babble about something. Had I written this, she would have been babbling about the Pluto-Charon binary system or how Jupiter may actually save us from impact events on the regular due to its massive gravitational pull.

I would like to hug this plushie Jupiter.

Spacey Grandpa and his terrible business partner have decided to acquire another company. The company consists of one dude who has a trophy wife and Judgy WASP Mom is expected to entertain her at their celebratory dinner. Woo. That sounds like a circle of hell Dante forgot to mention.

SG goes golfing the next day and this happens:

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I wish I had software that would allow me to circle the TWO PALM TREES ON THIS CONNECTICUT GOLF CORSE. One looks like it’s sprouting out of the Spacey’s Grandpa’s back, while the other is the second tree from the right. LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL. This is almost as funny as watching Digger, A Canvas Bag Full of Angry Iguanas, attempt to golf. He sucks at it (possibly because he sucks as a character.) As he’s sucking, his weird Distant Father marches over to the party. Distant Father suggests that his wife should hang out with Judgy WASP Mom more often so they make plans. Ugh. Plans. The very thought of making plans to do anything other than ignore the rest of humanity gives me agita. INTROVERT 4 LYFE.

It’s not that I don’t like people. I’m just weird and socially awkward and I understand cats better than people. Nothing would strike terror into my cold, dead heart more than some person I kind of know asking me to hang out. Or host dinner at my house. Judgy WASP Mom thrives in this sort of environment. Oh, to have the confidence of Emily Gilmore.

At Yale, Floppy appears at Rory’s door bearing the gift of a bookcase that she can’t use. Lorelai sent it. Is that a mom thing? To give your children shit you bought for yourself that you don’t want/can’t use? Or to buy them random shit you just saw at Ross Dress For Less that you think they’ll like and not include a gift receipt? Not that my mom does that or anything…

We find out that Floppy has decided to take some time off from school so he can work and play husband. Britney Spears circa 2000 wants a townhouse so Floppy is going to buy her one. (Let’s all notice that she isn’t contributing to that down payment…) Rory yells at him because she thinks this means he’ll never go back to school because people who drop out don’t go back. That’s not always true. I had to drop out my junior year of college for stupid reasons that had everything to do with me being an immature idiot. I went back. It can happen.

In Stars Hollow, there’s an egg problem due to Kirk’s incompetence. Now everything smells like a hockey locker room after a double-header. Lane and Rory go shopping and Rory talks shit about Britney Spears Circa 2000, who, of course, overhears her talking shit.

The girls go to Friday Night Dinner to meet Digger’s parents and ask them why they brought such a scourge upon the earth. Turns out he’s not their biological son –  they exchanged sons with a troll family from under the local bridge to keep peace in their town. After dinner Rory runs off and the men retire to Spacey Grandpa’s office to hang out with Theo Galavan and 13-year-old Bruce Wayne (read my Gotham reviews). Spacey Grandpa tells another “business” story that makes him out to be a nightmare of a human being that fucks people over just for fun. Distant Father drops the “I’m suing you” bomb on them and it’s good. Spacey Grandpa and Digger, A Spoiled Jar of Mayonnaise, got into business together to make money and fuck Digger’s father over. Now Digger’s father is striking back, and good for him. I’m tired of horrible characters getting away with shit because we’re supposed to like them. On the way out Distant Father drops the “Lorelai is dating the stained pillowcase I call a son.” LOL LOL LOL. ABOUT TIME!! Now that the Gilmores know, this relationship can finally fizzle out.

Lorelai and Digger, a Pile of Rotten Ceiling Tiles In The Shape Of a Person, go back to his place to drink.

In Stars Hollow, Floppy runs out of an alley and makes Rory abandon her car in the middle of the street. He pulls her into his alleyway and APOLOGIZES for…I have no idea. Rory was the asshole for telling him he’s never going back to school or even questioning why he’d take a job to get more money. But, like her grandfather, Rory occasionally does shitty things and we the audience are still supposed to be on her side because she’s a main character. Floppy’s not even pissed about Rory talking shit about his WIFE. Dude, if I overheard someone I thought was a friend talking shit about my husband, that person would not be my friend any longer. But Floppy is all, “It’s ok that you think my wife is a useless! It’s ok if you think I’m not driven because I have the misfortune of being poor and needing that cash money! Even though my wife has asked me to keep my distance because it’s beyond obvious that I’m still in love with you, PLEASE BE MY ‘FRIEND’, RORY! PLEASE!!”

The only person Floppy is fooling at this point is himself.

Speaking of husbands who don’t tell their wives important shit – Spacey Grandpa! Not only did he not tell Judgy WASP Mom when he retired, he didn’t tell her that he put his pension up as collateral to get loans for his dumb business. Why would your wife need to know about your finances? Women can’t understand money!!!

And then we find out that this whole thing with the lawsuit was just another Spacey Grandpa special. He set the whole thing up so he could get back into the firm. Digger, A Corpse Rolled Into A Carpet, is out. This almost makes me feel bad for him. HIS OWN FATHER HATES HIM SO MUCH HE FUCKED HIM OUT OF A JOB. Yikes.

Are we supposed to like Spacey Grandpa after this? He’s shown more than once that he’s a ruthless capitalist, the kind of man who is so greed-driven that he’d step on his own mother if it made good business sense. Men like Richard Gilmore are the reason Wall Street collapsed in 2008 and fucked all the rest of us over. And men like Richard Gilmore never, ever, EVER suffer the consequences of their actions. This guy is a beloved character? This guy??? Really?


2 thoughts on “Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 4, Episode 18 “Tick, Tick, Tick Boom”

  1. Do NOT feel bad for Digger, The Spoilt Jar of Mayonnaise! HE’S A PIECE OF SHIT WHO KICKS WOMEN OUT OF BED SO HE CAN SLEEP, INSTEAD OF GETTING THERAPY! The Worst!

  2. Maybe it’s because I’m a book person, but that bookcase wasn’t that big – surely there was a corner of the Inn that could have taken it…or a room. I would NEVER turn down a bookshelf! But of course I know it’s just one more silly trope in a show full of them.

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