Today is December 19 and Christmas is less than a week away. I know this will shock everyone, but I’m not a particularly religious person. But there are two things I absolutely must do every Christmas season or it’s just not Christmas to me. They are – make italian cookies to eat on Christmas morning, and post the animated version of Patton Oswalt’s “Christmas Shoes” bit. Merry Christmas.
This episode begins with Lorelai on a mission – she’s walking through the town, she’s saying hello, she’s wearing a jacket/sweater vest combo in what is presumably July? When she goes to Luke’s, Lane tells her everyone is calling her “The Blur.” Uh…
Did Geoff Johns write this episode? Will Dan DiDio show up to rip everyone’s favorite couples apart and laugh at the carnage and then decide “hey, you know what would be great? LET’S DO THE SAME THING TO THE COMICS AND CALL IT THE NEW 52!”
Rory has been sending Lane? The Town? postcards from her trip. Lorelai is sad because Rory hasn’t spoken to her since she left. I know this is hard on Lorelai, but really, Lorelai didn’t do anything wrong here. Rory’s just upset because someone had the audacity to call her out on making a mistake.
When she “blurs” to the Inn, Lorelai finds Michele hiding from a pair of devil children with oblivious parents. Lorelai, who is completely unaware of labor laws and liability issues, decides that it’s totally cool to have her concierge take on babysitting duties. I used to work retail, and I cannot tell you how many parents I encountered that thought store employees doubled as babysitters. Nope! Not a thing! If you want someone to watch your fucking kids, do it yourself or hire a fucking babysitter. I’m not surprised that Lorelai doesn’t understand this concept.
Side note – I bet all the money that those kids were Oakwood kids. The Oakwood is an apartment complex located in Burbank, CA that is known for housing a lot of child actors and their families during pilot season. Below is a clip from an amazing documentary called The Hollywood Complex, filmed at The Oakwood.
The Oakwood has also housed Emerson College students during their “spring semester” (the semester that a lot of them come from Boston to LA to intern at one of the studios) and washed up actors like Cory Haim, who died there.
In Rome, Judgy WASP Mom and Rory sit down at a cafe a few tables away from a guy who should be in a Mission Impossible movie. He’s on the right in the image below – he’s just waiting for someone to tell him to follow the target and/or shoot the target.
Rory’s just wondering why Rome has potted lemon trees on the streets.
Back at the Inn, Sookie finally pulls Lorelai aside to tell her she’s become Judgy WASP Mom Junior. She needs to stop working and go the fuck home before everyone quits or overthrows her like this is 18th century France.
On her way out of the Inn, Rory calls to say that she’s sorry. But she really calls because she wants Lorelai to hand-deliver a letter to Floppy about how she cannot have sex with him anymore. Gee, a piece of paper detailing how you had sex with another woman’s husband will now be floating around said husband’s apartment? I cannot possibly imagine how this could go bad!
Rory wants to “fix things” but we all know this letter is just going to make things worse. Britney Spears Circa 2000 will find it and everything will blow up rather spectacularly. Lorelai, desperate to be back in her daughter’s good graces, delivers the letter to a thankfully shorn Floppy. Instead of taking the letter and then going to read it, Floppy is all “WHERE IS RORY WHY DID SHE LEAVE OMG DO YOU KNOW HOW SAD MY PENIS IS BECAUSE I AM STUCK IN THIS MARRIAGE I WILLINGLY ENTERED INTO AND AM TOO CHICKEN TO LEAVE??????? RORY!!! RORY COME END MY MARRIAGE WITH YOUR MAGICAL NON-WIFE VAGINA!!!!” And Lorelai is all, “Just take this letter and leave it around for your wife to find and you’ll be divorced in no time!!” Which is exactly what happens. Lorelai and Sookie get to watch Britney Spears Circa 2000 throw all Floppy’s shit out the window of their apartment.
Meanwhile, Lane’s greasy bandmate is dating two girls at the same time and being a super dick about it. And he’s really greasy. Like:
Please invest in some shampoo.
Lane gets pissed, but she’s pissed because she has feelings for this walking grease stain. Oh, Lane. Honey, no. There are better guys out there. And they shower.
When Rory gets back from Europe, Sookie immediately tells her about the Floppy/Britney Spears Circa 2000 fight. Instead of staying in their home, away from the small town where news spreads like fire, they decide to take a walk around the town where they are immediately confronted by Britney and her mom. There’s screaming, there’s Lorelai trying to defend her daughter, and there are two very miserable young women who now have to live with the wreckage of one wandering penis.
The girls go to Luke’s to drown their troubles in coffee. Luke immediately freaks out and runs away like a scared dog, Lorelai follows him because she’s Lorelai. They talk, they almost kiss, but there’s another town festival that ruins everything. Maybe that’s the lesson in this show – other people ruin everything.
Rory, being every inch her mother’s daughter, goes to Floppy’s house to see how he’s feeling. Floppy, for his part, finally realizes that he’s been acting a fool. He threw away everything for Rory, and Rory only slept with him because she was feeling lonely after not getting any male attention at school.