Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 5, Episode 3 “Written in the Stars”

I don’t want to write this review. I want to write smut or make my own 2016 I’M ORGANIZED NOW! Calendar (which I’m sure won’t last more than a month). I want to plan menus and eat popcorn and watch Forensic Files and read depressing books about the Dust Bowl or forest fires that kill all the people.

This is the kind of thinking that made it impossible to finish all seven seasons of this show in a year.

dust-storm-texas-1935A “duster” near Strafford, TX, 1935. Source – Wikipedia
Fun fact – the dust bowl was a manmade ecological disaster. YAY! 

This entry won’t be nearly as exciting as any of the things mentioned above.

We begin this episode a few days after the last one ended – Rory and Lorelai are sitting in the pool house with Spacey Grandpa and his valet, except he pronounces it “val-EY”, which is not the correct way to pronounce this man’s title. It’s val-ET, Richard. Val-ET. Haven’t you ever seen Downton Abby?

The Gilmore pool house is not what one thinks of when one hears the words “pool house.” I envisioned a tiny shed with a room with a bar fridge, maybe a table for snacks, and a tiny bathroom. This place is more in line with the kind of luxury apartment currently clogging up New York – the kind foreign billionaires buy as investment properties where they they sit, empty, in a city with a major housing crisis. There’s even Hungarian cheese and casual homophobia! Oh man! Could you ask for anything more from a fictional pool house?

After the cheese and the booze, they have to go into the main house to have dinner with Judgy WASP Mom. Spacey Grandpa comes in and there is shouting about nudity and how Judgy WASP Mom has never been “stark naked” which I don’t buy. I bet she’s a freak in a good way and fucking good for her.

Anyway, the Gilmore separation is a lot of work and a lot of drama.

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The girls go to Luke’s where Luke barely flirts with Lorelai. It’s like this, but not animated:

At Yale, Rory forces a bunch of moving men to move her couch into her room while it is still bedecked with throw pillows. Younger Dave Anthony makes his return, and Rory calls Paris to learn that Posh McBookington is dead.

giphy5

Rory and Younger Dave Anthony get coffee together and we’re finally introduced to Logan. Yes, I know who Logan is. And I’m disgusted that even though we meet Logan while he and his friends are being complete assholes to Younger Dave Anthony (because he’s poor, you see), Rory is going to date this guy. Gross. Rory has terrible taste in men.

I need to think of a name for Logan. I’ll work on it.

Luke takes Lorelai to an old whorehouse where he’s friends with the madam and one of her gentleman callers. They think that Lorelai is looking for a job and offer her one immediately, which she doesn’t take because of the Inn, but she thinks about it. In this economy, who hasn’t thought about turning to prostitution?

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Luke tells Lorelai that he’s held a candle for her for eight years and he’s completely 100% into their relationship. Considering his love of Lorelai ruined his previous marriage, this is not a surprise. But it is sweet.

Then they fuck. FINALLY. Lorelai then wanders down to the diner in Luke’s shirt and is surprised that it’s open. Yes, you’ve lived in this miserable town for a bajillion years and have seen this very diner open sans your fuck buddy, but sure, be shocked.

I really hope Luke and Lorelai had good sex. The kind of sex that only comes around once in a lifetime kind of sex. The kind of sex you dream about when you’re old and reminiscing on the life you’ve lived. The kind of sex that makes you say that no matter what happened between you and that person, in the end, the relationship was worth it.

I really should be writing that smut.

At the town meeting, Taylor brings up the impact Luke and Lorelai’s relationship will have on the town if they break up. This is dumb and I can’t believe it ever made it past the draft stage. Yes, Stars Hollow is a weird, incestuous town but this is too much. There is not enough suspension of disbelief in the universe to accept that this is something that would ever happen in a world that is meant to so closely mirror our own.

At Yale, Paris holds a wake for Posh McBookington. She really shouldn’t be back at school yet – she needs time to grieve for her inappropriate boyfriend. Judgy WASP Mom shows up to hang out with Rory because she can’t believe that Spacey Grandpa actually left the house after dark. Younger Dave Anthony asks Rory if she has a boyfriend and this causes her to drive over to Floppy’s house like an idiot.

Again, Rory has terrible taste in men.

 

 

 

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One thought on “Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 5, Episode 3 “Written in the Stars”

  1. “There is not enough suspension of disbelief in the universe to accept that this is something that would ever happen in a world that is meant to so closely mirror our own.” Unless it’s in the same world that contains Twin Peaks! DLM!!

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