Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 5, Episode 4 “Tippecanoe and Taylor, Too”

Merry Belated Christmas to all who celebrate Christmas! Happy Holidays to all others! Regardless of your color or creed, as long as you appreciate terrible writing filled with grammatical errors and swears in place of substance, you are welcome here at Last Ditch Effort.

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This episode starts with Lorelai telling Luke not to cook her breakfast at her house – cook her breakfast at the diner! Breakfast she won’t pay for! Or have to clean up after! YAY! She mentions that Tommy Lee has a Starbucks in his house. Wait. Wait – what? IS THAT A THING?? CAN YOU HAVE A STARBUCKS IN YOUR FUCKING HOME???

It’s a thing.  Dear Tommy Lee – I am an unattractive old lady but I would happily do all sorts of things for you if you let me come live in your house and have as much Starbucks as I want for free. I can cook or water the plants in your Zen garden or polish your sex swing. I’m versatile!

I should hate Starbucks. They are the quintessential representative of our Corporate Overlords and they often signal the beginning of gentrification in “up & coming” neighborhoods. But I love venti nonfat lattes. Love them. If I could drink them every day, I would. Starbucks regular coffee is shit but nonfat lattes?

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I don’t own uggs, I don’t like pumpkin anything, but I do love Starbucks almost as much as I love my cats. If that makes me a basic bitch, then I proudly accept the moniker. Hell, I EMBRACE it!

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I AM basic! Thank you, RuPaul!

Rory calls and talks about how weird it is that her mother is completely open with her sex life. Totally agree. However, we do get an eyeful of this amazing “Stop the War on Choice!” poster on Rory’s wall:

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I hate to tell her the war just intensifies and starts attacking access to birth control, too. Now I’ve made myself sad. Quick, someone bring me a latte and a magazine with a Kardashian on the cover so I’m distracted from the larger problems in our society!

At the Inn, Lorelai displays some covetable bookshelves:

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Can I have those?

Then there’s a scene where Floppy shows up at Rory’s dorm and Paris looks more like she’s wishing for death than she usually does. We are all Paris. Fuck Floppy. Not literally.

Lane is still inexplicably moping around over her greasy bandmate. I listened to the Gilmore Guys podcast on last episode and they made a really good point – there hasn’t been any indication that Lane liked Zach before last episode. And there’s no REASON for Lane to like him! There’s no chemistry between them and there haven’t been any moments where he’s particularly nice to her. Lane likes him because Lane needs someone to like in the world of the show. Drama for the sake of drama? BOOO.

Floppy can’t make it to Rory’s because Britney Spears circa 2000 needs the car. I’m surprised they’re still on speaking terms. So Rory goes to his place where Floppy’s mom is understandably uncomfortable around her. The kids find it impossible to fuck in a place where there are parents and siblings, so they just watch TV instead. Obviously, these two are terrible at being kids – the rest of us figured out how to fuck our respective partners while we were still in high school! Go for a drive or a walk or something!

Which they do! And they suck at it. Guys. People fuck outside their cars at tailgates (be warned – that link is NSFW.) Y’all can figure it out in secluded woods. Floppy gets all butthurt and just wants to go home. Rory attempts to have a normal relationship with him by asking him to go to see Lane’s band. He’s not having it. Rory, a guy who started fucking you in secret will want to continue that relationship in secret. This is why you should never date a guy who wants to keep things on the DL. If he can’t be seen in public with you, he doesn’t belong in your vagina.

There’s also a Taylor plot line featuring him being an ass and “town selectman” race with Jackson and…. I know I should care. I don’t. I do care that Lorelai’s outfit is great in this scene, except I don’t know why they didn’t reshoot it after fixing her gaping button/bra issue:

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When the band plays Jackson’s rally, Zach can’t even bother to button his shirt cuffs (or roll up his sleeves.) Why does Lane like this guy again? Because he’s not coded as the “nerd” like the other band guy? Lane tells Zach she likes him. Everyone is sad.

Floppy finally pulls his head out of his ass and wants to be seen in public with Rory. But it’s too late. Rory knows that Floppy would still be married if she didn’t fuck him but she just doesn’t want to admit it. I still don’t feel bad for Rory. I don’t like this plot line at all – Rory is hot enough that she could have fucked any dude at Yale and had just as much drama. But he had to be her married ex-boyfriend still living in Stars Hollow?

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I need a latte.

 

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