Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 5, Episode 7 “You Jump, I Jump, Jack”

David Bowie is dead. I say that not to be callous but as a statement of fact. He’s dead. And I’m much more affected than I expected to be. I’m tearing up just writing this and I wasn’t even that big of a Bowie fan. Sure, I loved “I’m Afraid of Americans“, his duet with Trent Reznor that dropped at the height of my Nine Inch Nails fandom. I’ve always loved the hauntingly beautiful version of “Little Drummer Boy” he performed with Bing Crosby. His performance (and codpiece) in the movie Labyrinth captivated me as a child.

I know that without his influence so many of the artists that I love would never have existed. He made so much possible in our culture as a whole. Even the Gilmore Girls owes a debt to David Bowie – how many times is he referenced in this show? “Suffragette City“is name checked at least once. And now he’s gone. The world is a little less weird now, a little less wonderful. That’s a shame.

In Men In Black, a movie about people who police the space alien population on Earth, Will Smith makes an offhand comment about Elvis’s death to Tommy Lee Jones’s character. Tommy Lee Jones responds with something like, “Elvis didn’t die. He just went home.”  That’s how I feel about Bowie. The spaceman didn’t die. He just went home.

Good luck on your next mission, Mr. Bowie. Thanks for stopping by our little backwater of a planet and making it a little more interesting.

Cancer can suck a dick. I say that not only as someone mourning the loss of a famous person, but as the wife of a cancer survivor. Your life goes from being a normal life to a life filled with chemotherapy treatments and blood tests and acronym-laced doctor speak in seconds. Nothing else seems different to anyone else, but to you, nothing will ever be normal again. The sun continues to shine but you can only see it through the window of the infusion room with the whirring sound of IV pumps reverberating in your ears. People cough in a Starbucks without panicking, but you’re worried that cough isn’t just a cough; it’s a cough carrying the virus that will send your immunocompromised loved one to the ICU and maybe even kill them. There are people carrying on a conversation about car repairs in the hallway while you sit in a waiting room staring at a woman who is so sick her skin is gray and you know (and she knows) that she hasn’t got much time left. And when the treatments are over and the doctors utter the word “remission”, there are still checkups that terrify and tears you have to hold back whenever the common cold presents a symptom similar to a symptom of the cancer you missed the first time. You wake up in the middle of the night and put your hand on your lover’s chest; not as a gesture of passion, but to check for the night sweats that mean the cancer is back. Then you realize that you will never again exist in this relationship as a couple – you are a threesome now, and Cancer is the uninvited third who will cast its shadow over you for the rest of your days.

So fuck cancer.

The Gilmores don’t have to worry about cancer, but they do have to worry about Lorelai’s terrible fashion choices. When she arrives at Friday Night Dinner, she looks like a little girl celebrating Valentine’s Day at school. This is a thing – I myself used to pick out color-coordinating outfits for Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. Then I went Goth and started dressing in black because it mirrored the color of my soul. Let’s be real – it still totally does.

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Judgy WASP Mom wants to “re-meet” Luke because…? I don’t know. Rich people be fucking crazy. He’s not any different than the man she met – AND LIKED – numerous other times. Luke is fine with this, but Lorelai thinks it’s, like, worse than Hitler.

Lorelai is being a total asshole while Luke and Judgy WASP Mom seem to be getting along rather well. Lorelai says Judgy WASP Mom putting Luke down but I don’t see it (until the divorce thing)? Perhaps it is because I am one of the Poors? I have too few numbers in my bank account to detect underhanded assholery! You need at least six figures to catch Rich Shade.

Of course, the next scene makes Judgy WASP Mom’s assholery VERY obvious with her ranting about how people at diners eat road kill. I don’t understand why she’s being such a dick to Luke. She liked him before. She doesn’t anymore because DRAMA IS NEEDED FOR TELEVISION or something. Which, it is. But drama that contradicts the actions of the character for 4 seasons? Not a fan.

Luke then gets roped into going golfing with Spacey Grandpa. After Spacey Grandpa makes Luke drink and spend money, Lorelai advises Luke to drive drunk. Cool, cool. Hope he’s watched that driver’s ed video, Alice’s Adventures Through the Windshield Glass, hosted by Troy McClure.

Later, Judgy WASP Mom yells at Spacey Grandpa because Luke isn’t good enough for Lorelai. Guys, SHE DATED DIGGER. DIGGER. There is no one worse than Digger! Luke is a fucking prince compared to Digger! KIRK is better than Digger. I’d wager that Taylor would be better than Digger because at least Taylor wouldn’t make Lorelai sleep in a separate fuck toy room.

Honestly – The Gilmores aren’t good enough for Luke. Who needs to hang out with snobby assholes who don’t think you’re smart enough to run seven diners, let alone one? When it is appropriate to mention to the Gilmores that Luke is not only a business owner, he also owns one of the biggest buildings in Stars Hollow? And he rents half that building out to one of the most powerful men in their town? He’s also an investor in Lorelai’s inn (to the tune of 30k, 30K he just had lying around.) But, sure. He’s “not good enough.”  #LukeDeservesBetter

Rory gets blindfolded by Smarmy, which means she can’t have dinner with Floppy. Though I can only assume Smarmy is going to take Rory’s kidneys and leave her in a tub full of ice, it’s better than an evening of bad food with Floppy that ends in even worse sex. I don’t know why, but the only word I can think of when I think of the kind of sex Rory & Floppy have is “smooshy.” Smooshy, like a mushroom. Or that funky foam you get at craft stores to use in flower arrangements. Smoosh.

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Smarmy and his friends drive Rory into the forest where they are literally staying at a camp site that is set up like they’re on fucking safari. Next thing you know Taylor Swift is going to appear and stand beside a giraffe looking all thin and fashiony and imperialistic.

I will not lie, I love that damn song. I apologize to anyone who made the false assumption that I was “cool” or “hip” or “on fleek.”

People are drinking in the forest and wearing white clothes and having conversations without using the letter E. I suppose I’m supposed to be taken by how fun and charming and worldly Smarmy seems. I’m not. I’m annoyed. This isn’t fun or cute – Rory is in the middle of nowhere with people who won’t give her any information about where she is or why she’s there, the guy who took her there keeps giving her “conditions” that she’s to operate under, and her cell phone has no service. The “event” could be anything from the world’s longest bong hit to killing a poor person and/or minority for fun (it’s not like daddy’s money wouldn’t be able to make that charge go away). I’m too old and jaded to find this romantic. This is a recipe for affluenza defenses and “boys will be boys” rape excuses.

Smarmy pulls the old “I bought you this dress and it’s just your size” thing. NO. NO NO NO NO NO. THIS IS THE WORST “ROMANCE” TROPE EVER INVENTED AND IT NEEDS TO DIE. THIS IS NOT A ROMANCE NOVEL. SMARMY IS NOT A SHORT-HAIRED FABIO WITH A PULSATING MEMBER LOOKING FOR HER LOVE CAVE.

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This is fucking RIDICULOUS. There’s polo in carts and a victrola and shooting actual people with paintball guns for fun. What is this, Downton Abby minus Lady Mary fucking dudes to death?

AND NOW THEY’RE JUMPING OFF FUCKNG SCAFFOLDING USING UMBRELLAS LIKE THIS IS PRACTICAL MAGIC?

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No. Nope. Fuck this. I wish Rory would have ruined Smarmy’s “event integrity” by having unshorn armpits.

I hate this. I do not have the words to describe how much I HATE this. Why? Why is this a thing? Why am I supposed to care? Am I supposed to be excited for Rory to meet Smarmy the Moneybags and be taken away in a whirlwind of people who are so out of touch with reality they make the townies of Stars Hollow look like rejects from The Wire? Because I’m not. I’m just like

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When Lorelai and Rory finally connect, Rory mentions that she needs to take more risks. Yeah, have fun with that, Rory. Why can’t she just eat pizza and make out with questionable dudes like the rest of us* did in college? No, she’s gotta date a gazillionaire and jump off scaffolding like a chimney sweep in a Disney movie.
* Please note I didn’t make out with questionable (or, like, any) dudes in college. 

Lane’s at the diner and Greasy Zach is pacing outside the window being all “LANE I THINK I AM READY TO DATE NOW AND I WILL ACT LIKE I’VE NEVER DATED ANYONE BEFORE EVEN THOUGH THIS SHOW HAS SHOWN ME PULLIN DOWN THE TANG LIKE A MONKEY PULLING BANANAS FROM A TREE!” And Lane is all, “I LOVE YOUR GREASY HAIR BECAUSE THE WRITERS TOLD ME TO LOVE YOU!” It’s all very disappointing and sad but…I guess I’m glad the actors got paid?

There’s a home-based date and mention of Motorhead (RIP, Lemmy). While I don’t buy these two characters dating because the actors have no chemistry, at least this doesn’t feature assholes jumping off scaffolding in the forest like this is Mary Poppins’s tragically dark origin story.

I am not amused.

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3 thoughts on “Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 5, Episode 7 “You Jump, I Jump, Jack”

  1. Just stumbled on your blog. I am getting a huge kick out of the vitriol you have for Logan and the rest of that lifestyle; it echoes the sentiments I’ve held for years. Now just please watch Veronica Mars and do the same for that show’s Logan, so that I may feel less alone in the world.

    And yesssss on the dress; the only thing that could’ve made me eyeroll harder is if these boys started guessing bra sizes!

      • I think it has that similar mix of fun, funny, and frustrating that Gilmore Girls can have, despite being a different genre (smart and scrappy teenage girl investigates things in a setting of haves and have-nots)! I would be so excited to see your take on it, based on how much your Gilmore Girls posts resonate with me. I know I am totally going to pull up your corresponding reviews after watching episodes of this show, now.

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