Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 5, Episode 9 “Emily Says ‘Hello’”

I grew up in Colorado. While I am not one who worships at the alter of sport, I am aware that the Denver Broncos will be playing the New England Patriots in a sportsball game this weekend. (Did I mention that I also used to live in Boston?)


I’ve got no skin in the game. I have no opinion on the sport of foot. I don’t care who wins. Go team, rah rah, etc. But something has really been grinding my gears, and that something is the proliferation of memes lately suggesting that Tom Brady is “girly.” Tom Brady in a tutu, Tom Brady with his head photoshopped onto a model’s body, Tom Brady in Uggs for some incomprehensible reason.

I could not give one minuscule shit about Tom Brady as a person or as a football player. However, whenever I see those memes, all I can think about is a quote from Jessica Valenti:

 The worst thing you can call a girl is a girl. The worst thing you can call a guy is a girl. Being a woman is the ultimate insult. Now tell me that’s not royally fucked up.

Yeah. It is.


I wanted to address something that I don’t think I did a good job of talking about during my last review. Floppy’s exit. I was listening to the Gilmore Guys talk about episode 508 and they mentioned that the way Rory and Floppy “broke up” (if that’s really what that was) was too rushed and didn’t make much sense. They are 100% correct.

That’s it. That’s all I wanted to say. What, you expected nuance or actual analysis? LOL LOL LOL. Wrong blog for that shit.

Lorelai helps Jackson get food for Sookie because he won’t go into the market. Something about that town selectman plot I didn’t (and still don’t!!) care about. They get back to Sookie’s house with the food and things happen, but I have no idea what happens because the lighting in this scene is HORRIBLE. It’s so bad Jackson is casting shadows on the wall in what is supposed to be daytime. These shadows are obviously being cast from an overhead light, not something that would come in through the window.  I wonder if this scene had to be reshot quickly?

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Sookie is crying over a People magazine, which, who hasn’t done that? I have. “They’re all so thin!” :I sob then immediately die of fatness: Then she says that at least she’s handling pregnancy better than Pretty Hair. This is a weird transition even for this show and I don’t much care for it. It’s like, “Hey, remember Rory’s dad? Let’s make him a thing again!” I don’t want him to be a thing again. I want him to live happily ever after with Pretty Hair and her gender neutral baby items and the baby’s duct taped diapers.

Rory’s hanging out in her dorm room when Younger Dave Anthony strolls in bearing food. This upsets Paris because she’s fasting for Ramadan in an effort to be a real journalist. She should just get a rich guy to buy her a dress like Rory did. Way easier than fasting until sundown. Rory talks to Lorelai about Friday Night Dinners while Paris hits Younger Dave Anthony with a newspaper. Man. Print media sure had its uses.


Lorelai calls C-Money because she is an idiot, and I realize why he never called her after the last episode he was in – Rory threatened to run him over with a bulldozer full of diamond tiaras. I forgot! That’s how much of an impression C-Money makes. I literally forget about him if he’s not on screen.

This episode is boring. I’m 16 minutes in and the characters have spent most of their time talking on the phone.

At Friday Night Dinner, Rory has completely forgotten about the way her grandparents ambushed her into what was basically a Rory Open House. Come in, young men! View the merchandise (diamond tiara not included)! Put down an offer! I hope they all checked her teeth to determine her age and general health status.

It’s hard to focus on the episode because I’m exceedingly cranky today. There has to be something to snap me out of my dumb mood. Usually when I get crabby I watch Weird Al’s “White & Nerdy” video. I find it hilarious, though I realize several of the references make no sense to someone 5 years younger than I. Something else great about that video? In the very beginning there are two guys in a convertible, and those guys are the guys from Key & Peele. Key & Peele should have won every Emmy award available solely on the strength of their wig department alone. I mean:




Don’t get me wrong, Key & Peele is one of the best sketch shows produced in the last 5 years. But the wigs! THE WIGS!! Wig game: AMAZING.

Neither Judgy WASP Mom or Lorelai are wearing wigs at Friday Night Dinner.Well, Kelly Bishop may be wearing a wig, her hair is GIGANTIC.


Strangely, Lorelai seems not to care if her parents get back together or not, which is inconsistent with how she acted last season. Remember how she was very invested in her parents relationship to the point she was prying into their status and putting them up in the “romantic” dungeon/bungalow at the Dragonfly during preview weekend? Or how she reacted with shock with Rory uttered the word divorce? None of that is present in this scene, but she is horrified by the idea of her mother dating. So is Rory.

C-Money visits Lorelai at the Inn. The more we see of the Dragonfly, the more I’m convinced a proto Pintrest page on acid decorated the whole thing after staring at a vision board containing only the words “quirky” and “kitschy”. It’s so bad. Rory is also horrified, but not because her mom’s Inn looks like shabby chic shit all over the place. She’s horrified by C-Money’s presence. Finally, Rory and I have something in common.

When Rory tells her mother that she was the one to tell her father to back the fuck off, Lorelai is upset. I get that. Lorelai is a grown ass woman who can decide who she talks to. However, I see Rory’s point here. C-Money ruins EVERYTHING. Literally. He torpedoed Lorelai’s college dreams by knocking her up. He was never there for Rory, opting instead to ride a motorcycle around the continental U.S. like an Easy Rider extra. Then he’s finally going to be with Lorelai, oh wait, no, he knocked up another woman because he can’t properly use a condom. And now that woman has ever so conveniently run away and he’s calling Lorelai asking for help. And Lorelai didn’t tell Luke about meeting up with C-Money. Rory’s not right in going behind her mother’s back. But she’s not wrong in her desire to keep her parents apart.

This is a great coat:

Screen shot 2016-01-20 at 11.31.05 PM

Lorelai tells Luke about her lunch with C-Money by just slipping it into a conversation. Luke says “ok” but there is no way he took it well. Before we can find out how he took it, Judgy WASP Mom calls in a panic because she has a date. She said she used Lorelai’s clever line of “hello” to break the ice. Lorelai incorrectly states that “hello” isn’t a line. Bullshit! Hello can be a line and it’s THE BEST LINE. It’s not creepy, it’s an acceptable thing to say, and it’s not a weird way to start a conversation. In fact, “hi” is the first thing my husband ever said to me. Not “nice shoes, wanna fuck?” or “That dress would look better on my floor” or “wanna see a magic trick?” Just a regular, run of the mill, “Hi.”

While Lorelai helps Judgy WASP Mom pick out an outfit for her date, Luke tries to ask TJ about being jealous. Unfortunately, TJ is dumb as a half-empty bag of defective hammers and doesn’t understand what’s happening. He’s so dumb that I’m beginning to think that he’s Floppy’s biological father. Poor Floppy. He got so dumb after season 1.

Luke tells Lorelai he’s ok with the lunch thing, Judgy WASP Mom fucking kills it on her date (we all knew Emily Gilmore is a fascinating woman so no surprise), Paris eats like a Gilmore, and Rory goes to study with Younger Dave Anthony. I like him. I like him enough to refer to him by his actual name. Congrats, Marty! You’ve moved up to the big leagues.

Even though Judgy WASP Mom killed it on her date, she’s unhappy. She misses her husband. And after she walks into her house, Kelly Bishop slays with nothing more than a look.

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