Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 5, Episode 12 “Come Home”

Fun fact: I am wearing insane fake eyelashes at 3:30 in the afternoon. For no reason.

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Luke and Lorelai are going to bed early. Lorelai sleeps in one of Luke’s LumberFlannels, I just hope she picked a clean one and not one the reeks of fryer grease and stale coffee.

At Yale, Rory figures out a way to hang out with Smarmy without it looking like she likes him. She’s just doing Doyle a favor! You guys, Rory is, like, so SELFLESS. Always thinking of others and not her Hot For Smarmy vagina. Smarmy is too smart to fall for her “I’m just helping Doyle!” crap. He’s lucky Rory is dumb as a fucking post when it comes to men because after his little stunt in her class he should still be trying to pull his balls from his throat. But Rory is too passive to tell anyone to fuck themselves, let alone boot them in the balls.

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She tries to get Smarmy to invite her to one of his dad’s fancy parties without actually asking him if she can come. He doesn’t invite her and she is now sad that a boy didn’t act in a way that benefits her.

Lane is still working at Luke’s. No night school? Just hanging out at Luke’s all day waiting for her caricature of a cousin to bring her old Madonna t-shirts and magazines?

She’s unhappy because she feels she looks like crap in the new band pictures. She probably looks amazing but it being hyper critical of herself because that’s what women are taught to do. She stops wearing her glasses and Zach gets all confused because he wasn’t aware that glasses are not part of someone’s face and can be removed.

Lane has to bring her band to her mother’s Lunar New Year party. It is predictably terrible. Mrs. Kim yells at Lane for not helping chisel the leftover food off the plates. To be fair to Mrs. Kim, Lane really should have helped her mother with the dishes. That’s her mom, and her mom probably spent all afternoon cooking for all those people, which is a lot of fucking work. I cook every Thanksgiving. I don’t even do that much and I’m still on my feet almost all day. The least you can do as a guest is offer to help with the dishes.

Surprisingly, Mrs. Kim and Zach bond over their shared love of Lane in glasses.

Sookie is the Dragonfly’s resident ghost. She just wants time to herself but can’t get it because she has a husband and a baby at home so she resorts to hanging out in empty rooms at the inn.

There’s drama with the Elder Gilmores because Spacey Grandpa has learned that Judgy WASP Mom went on a date. When they go to a function together and he sees her talking to her date, he rear ends her car. What is with this show and men and cars? Floppy built Rory a car that Broody then crashed. Luke beat up the car belonging to the guy he thought Pretty Hair was banging. And now Spacey Grandpa rear ends his wife’s car in a fit of jealousy. Cars are stand ins for physical confrontations with other characters.

Spacey Grandpa manhandles his wife into the car and forces her to go back home. They fight about her dating, about him seeing that horse lady, and then he says that he doesn’t want to go back to the pool house. I don’t know if I would be as willing as Judgy WASP Mom to let him come home after he HIT MY CAR ON PURPOSE with me in it. What if it was a Pinto, Richard? That shit would have exploded and your wife would have died. Maybe that’s what he wanted. He wanted to take her out Godfather style and then rack in that sweet, sweet life insurance money.

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They’re back together and have decided to renew their wedding vows. Lorelai will be the maid of honor and Rory will be the best man. Judgy WASP Mom has decided that the wedding will also be the setting of a Luke/C-Money showdown because she’d rather have C-Money with Lorelai than with Luke.

This makes NO sense. You would think that after watching her daughter raise her grandchild, ALONE, for 20 years, the last thing she’d want is for Lorelai to hook up with the man who basically abandoned her. Or the man who can’t use a condom properly. I’m also not a fan of this retcon where the Gilmores are scheming evil people. I’d rather we go back to the Gilmores who are rich and out of touch. Besides, they liked Luke before. Now they don’t because there needs to be drama somewhere, and it has to be romantic drama because this is TV. I disapprove.

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