Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 5, Episode 13 “Wedding Bell Blues”

I’m not looking forward to this episode because I assume this is the episode where C-Money makes a bid for Lorelai’s affections even though it makes zero narrative sense why he would do so at this point in the show.

But before all that goes down, let us gaze upon whatever the hell Lorelai is wearing in this scene:

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Is that jacket…alive? If I plant it, will it grow into a jacket tree and one day bear tiny jacket fruit that I can then harvest and sell on eBay to people who collect weird dolls?

Rory is coming to Stars Hollow to watch a Cop Rock marathon with Lorelai. Google informs me that Cop Rock  was a short-lived musical police show. It’s about police. That sing. And I was all prepared to make fun of this show until I YouTubed this:

That’s right, guy I assume is the Chief. Put some stank on that song!

This is amazingly bad, which means I love it unironically. How was there a musical TV show about cops on the air in 1990 and I missed it? I was alive in 1990! And not like, “oh, I was, like 2 in 1990, tee hee!” NO. I WAS OLD AS SHIT IN 1990 AND I STILL MANAGED TO MISS THIS.

At least I haven’t missed what is possibly the best new show of the last five years, My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. I mean,

and

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HE’S WEARING A MALE GAZE SHIRT. I watched this at 6:30 in the morning while getting ready for work and when this dude popped up I laughed so hard my husband had to come see if I was ok. If ever there was a show that I’d be a perfect writer for, it’s this fucking show. (CW, call me.)

Back in Gilmore Land, Judgy WASP Mom goes to Lorelai’s house so Lorelai can fix her dress. To recap – Judgy WASP Mom is so out of touch with normal human life that she will walk through a mall and bark literal orders at salespeople thinking that is how one shops. She never saw a frozen pizza until she was in her late 50s/early 60s, she never set foot in a food court, she was horrified by where Lorelai and Rory lived when Rory was a baby, dogs freak her out, and she feels stew is only for The Poors. She doesn’t want her daughter dating a diner owner (even though he’s probably richer than she is.) But she’s ok with her daughter acting as her seamstress. K. Carry on.

Of course, Judgy WASP Mom is not actually there because her dress is in need of mending. She wants a bachelorette party, so she told Spacey Grandpa Lorelai was throwing her one. Actually, I’m surprised Lorelai didn’t jump at the chance to drape her mother in penis paraphernalia.

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She does manage to give her a box of dong pasta.

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LOL.

After everyone passes out Lorelai fucks with her mother’s seating chart while telling Rory how she hates the entitlement of the rich. Um. Self-reflection has never been Lorelai’s strong suit. However, this scene is setting up the rift that will form between Lorelai and Rory – Lorelai wants nothing to do with her parents world. Rory has a clit-on for Smarmy, the walking representation of entitlement, excess, and everything wrong with having too much money you didn’t work for.

At the wedding, Rory gets to wear a sweet suit and be her grandfather’s best man. I love masculine suits on women. I wish I had smaller tits (and smaller hips and, smaller, well…everything) so I could pull it off. It’s edgy and cool and sexy as hell. Smarmy is at the wedding, which somehow makes a shit show of an affair even worse. He brought a date with him, which makes Rory upset.

I don’t buy that Rory likes Logan. She doesn’t, and never has, seemed to have any passion or desire of her own outside of books and learning. She doesn’t like boys as much as she likes the idea if boys liking her. I don’t see any hints that she’d all of a sudden be goo goo over someone as obnoxious as Smarmy. He embarrassed her during class. There is nothing more important to her than learning. That should immediately knock him out of the running. But it doesn’t?

C-Money arrives at the wedding late. Yep. BECAUSE HE IS A WALKING PILE OF HUMAN MISTAKES AND SADNESS. I call him C-Money, for fuck’s sake! How much more of a sign does Judgy WASP Mom need that he’s unsuitable to be married to anyone, let alone her own daughter?

Also – why does he come to the wedding? Judgy WASP Mom was terrible to him at the end of the last episode. She basically ordered him to marry Lorelai. He’s told Rory repeatedly that he is happy for Lorelai and doesn’t want to screw up her relationship. But…a few words from Emily and he’s ready to make a move on Lorelai? Even if it would torpedo his already strained relationship with Rory? Really?

Once Lorelai sees C-Money she decides that it’s a good time to tell Luke about hanging out with C-Money the night his dad died. Again, there was nothing wrong with Lorelai comforting a friend the night his father died. There was a huge problem with her purposely not telling Luke about it. So Luke is pissed and C-Money decides to get drunk.

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The Gilmore Girls seems to be a show about people getting never-ending chances at getting into relationships with certain people, as if there are no other people on this planet outside their small group. Even after a breakup seems insurmountable (children with other people, marriages) they continue to come back together. How many chances have Lorelai and C-Money had? Rory and Broody? Rory and Floppy? Even Luke and Pretty hair gave it a second go when they shouldn’t have. Sometimes you don’t get a second chance with someone. And, most of the time, it’s for the best. I’d say it’s more interesting to see Lorelai and C-Money try have a platonic relationship after everything that’s gone between them. He’s been an absentee father, he’s fucked up in a million ways, let’s see how they try to move forward as actual friends and co-parents instead of just “people who want to fuck.” But this is TV. Unnecessary romantic bullshit trumps stories of male/female friendship and cooperation every time.

C-Money and Rory have a chat about the first time C-Money and Lorelai kissed. They were 14. He has the audacity to call it the greatest day of his life, better than the days both his children were born.

Rory, who has somehow never heard that women can make the first move, decides to ask Smarmy to dance after learning his date is a “friend.” Uh-huh. I know that trick well. My high school boyfriend and I were “friends” in front of my parents for a long time. (Side note – I still don’t believe Rory is doing this out of her own desire for Smarmy. I think she’s upset because he’s not falling all over himself trying to get her, and she literally cannot understand how any man wouldn’t pursue her after meeting her.)

After Smarmy wisely tells her that he hasn’t asked her out because he’s not boyfriend material, Rory drags him off the dance floor and tried to fuck him in a closet. Wedding sex. How cliche. Almost as cliche as believing your married lover really is going to leave his wife.

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Smarmy is all, “MY MASCULINITY IS SO FRAGILE I CANNOT POSSIBLY POP A BONER WHILE KISSING A WOMAN IN A SUIT. NO HOMO, BROHAIM! MY DICK, OH HE IS SO SAD. CRYING SAD BONE, Y YOU NO HARD?” But he drinks liquid viagra and suddenly he can ignore clothing choices and fuck.

hmc

Lorelai walks in on them while they’re making out. LOLs. And after all that work Smarmy had to do to ignore his toxic masculinity! C-Money walks in and starts yelling about kicking asses, as if he has any room to talk after knocking up Lorelai at a much younger age than Rory is now. Luke also gets in on the act because Luke has an anger problem. He’s already angry so he’s going to take it out on Smarmy.

Then Luke and C-Money start yelling at each other in the hallway, having a “Who’s Been a Better Dad to Rory” dick-measuring contest (answer: Luke. Thanks for not actually playing, Chris.) Then C-Money drops the “I BELONG WITH LORELAI BECAUSE WE FUCKED AS TEENAGERS AND HER MOM CALLED MY NEW DAUGHTER AN IT AND SOMEHOW THAT MADE ME REALIZE THAT I REALLY WANT TO BE MORE INVOLVED WITH THE GILMORES THAN I CURRENTLY AM!” bomb.

Luke leaves, Lorelai tries to chase after him but gets pulled into a picture with her parents. She hisses that she’s so done with Judgy WASP Mom it’s not funny, and Judgy WASP Mom has the audacity to look surprised that her perfect plan to hook Lorelai up with what amounts to 3 kids stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat has backfired.

nl0gtbl

 

 

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