I would like to give a quick memorial shout out to the umpteenth pair of earbuds that have met their doom thanks to my cat. I thought I’d outsmarted him by leaving them in my purse. He caught on and was just waiting for the day I left the purse unzipped to make his move. RIP, purple earbuds. You served me well.
Now what am I going to do when I get “Hotline Bling” stuck in my head? Is there a more insidious song than “Hotline Bling”? It was released about 10,000 internet years ago, everyone has stopped photoshopping Drake into memes, so you’d think you’d be safe. You haven’t heard it for weeks, and then, suddenly, springing up in the back of your mind like a whack-a-mole: “YOU USED TO CALL ME ON MY CELL PHONE…”
After what sounds like a horribly boring date with Smarmy, Rory and the Smarms break into the dining hall to eat cereal and steal ice cream. A kid who could literally buy an entire ice cream parlor with the change he scrounges up from in between the seats of his Jag gets his kicks by stealing food. Rory tries to swipe her meal card, but she doesn’t really try that hard. I think she gets off on doing whatever she wants, which is not surprising given her mother is treated like she’s the queen of an entire township and she gets to do literally whatever she wants in said town. Rory’s college life is just an extension of the overly permissive atmosphere she was raised in. It’s not affluenza, it’s…Gilmorenza? Gilmorenza is the condition where you suffer from a complete lack of self-awareness and boundaries, and you literally cannot fathom why your actions would not be interpreted as quirky and adorable at all times. Anyone who enables your Gilmorenza is seen as grade A relationship material, even if they are married or, in this case, committing a crime.
At the inn, Lorelai and Sookie are preparing for a photographer from some travel magazine to come and take pictures of the inn for the “10 Best Inns in Connecticut” spread. Sounds like a BuzzFeed Travel post with fewer gifs. (Is BuzzFeed Travel a thing? Google says – Kind of.) Michele was apparently on vacation in LA and he’s come back bearing gifts and tales of Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf (think Starbucks just with a purple color scheme instead of green.) He brings Sookie a copy of the book He’s Just Not That Into You.
“Fun” story about this book – it was co-written by a comedian named Greg Behrendt. He used to have his own talk show where he wore amazing vests and looked fucking cool 100% of the time (I’ve always thought he had great personal style.) He also used to co-host a podcast with comedian Dave Anthony (who I’ve mentioned here before) called Walking the Room. It’s defunct now, and I cannot in good conscious recommend Walking the Room to anyone who has even a sliver of a soul. It was the kind of podcast that could have you on the floor laughing so hard you couldn’t breathe, while at the same time you were sobbing because shit just took a real dark turn. It exposed just how fucked up trying to making it in entertainment is, how fucked up living in Los Angeles can be, and just how god damned awful life in general can be. I will, however, recommend Greg Behrendt’s instagram because it’s full of him playing guitar and looking fucking cool as hell because he has fashion sense for days.
Anyway, Michele won something on The Price Is Right. I hope it’s zombie Bob Barker (Google tells me Bob Barker is still alive.)
Rory brings Spacey Grandpa a duffle bag full of newspapers, which I don’t believe is the best transportation method for newspapers. Given her dedication to authentic weird bits (see: Marx Brothers poster/wig extravaganza from a few episodes ago) I’m surprised she didn’t arrive dressed as a newsie with her papers bundled and tied with twine. Rory is giving Judgy WASP Mom the cold shoulder, but she still feels bad because she has to tell her grandparents that Lorelai isn’t coming to dinner. Oh, Emily.
That image/quote is from the movie The Count of Monte Cristo, starring Jesus (Jim Caviezel) and Superman (a young Henry Cavill) back before Zach Snyder went to 11 with the Superman is Jesus metaphor. I highly recommend this movie* because it’s fucking bad ass and all about revenge and Guy Pierce plays the best asshole. Also! James Frain plays a bad guy in this movie because he’s James Frain and he was born to play villains. He also plays Theo Galavan on Gotham, which is another show I review.
* Even with all my schoolin’ that required readin’, I never got around to reading the book. I should.
After Rory leaves, Spacey Grandpa and Judgy WASP Mom sit around trying to figure out why Lorelai didn’t come to dinner. Judgy WASP Mom told Luke to go to Lorelai! Maybe he’s too dumb and they didn’t get back together? Sure! I mean, as long as we’re dealing in batshit hypotheticals: maybe someone is going to drive up to me tomorrow and just hand me the $53 million dollars Kanye needs to get out of debt (spoiler: I’d keep it.) Or maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and be a size 2 blonde with perky tits! Maybe elves will appear on my doorstep and offer to build me a treehouse/cookie factory that comes complete with an employee base who accepts payment in double fudge Keeblers.
I do not like this at all. First – I can’t believe that either Richard or Emily are so fucking dense as to believe that Lorelai didn’t come to dinner because Luke is too stupid to follow instructions. Second – I can’t believe that they would truly believe Lorelai getting Luke back would erase what Judgy WASP Mom did with C-Money. This isn’t consistent with their actions of any of the previous seasons, and it smacks of outside interference (like the studio or the network).
While shopping, Rory and Lorelai see Smarmy having coffee with another girl. Lorelai gets pissed but Rory pulls the “it’s ok! it’s CASUAL!” card. SINCE FUCKING WHEN, RORY? When did they agree to keep it casual? Is she seeing anyone else? Or is it something she just made up so her mother wouldn’t kill Smarmy (hopefully by shoving a muffin down his stupid throat)?
When Smarmy and Rory see each other again, Smarmy specifically goes out of his way to check to see if Rory saw him with that other girl. If they were really in a casual relationship that they were both aware of, he wouldn’t have to tiptoe around the issue to see if he’s in trouble. In order to cement her commitment to “casual,” Rory agrees to go to a Quentin Tarantino-themed party with one of Smarmy’s nameless friends. I’d ask which one dressed as the character who said the N-word 47 times in under a minute, but it’s a Tarantino party so the answer is all of them.
Meanwhile in Stars Hollow, Luke and Lorelai come back from a date to find Kirk naked and asleep in Lorelai’s garage. Naked as he may be, he’s rocking the best blanket I’ve ever seen – Please note it has animated Batman on it.
I think I also see a red cape, so best guess is this is a Justice League blanket from the Bruce Timm Justice League animated series. That show (and the whole DC Animated Universe) was so fucking good. It had no business being as amazing as it was. If you really want to watch DC at its best, watch the following in the following order:
Batman: The Animated Series > Superman: The Animated Series > Batman Beyond > Justice League > Justice League Unlimited.
I say watch Batman Beyond before Justice League even though it makes the timeline a little weird. It’s necessary background for a few of the Justice League episodes. If you REALLY want to get into it, throw in the Static Shock TV series and the animated movies Batman: Mask of the Phantasm and Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker. Batman & Mr. Freeze: Subzero is ok but not required, and Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman is a rare miss that’s not worth watching at all, save the animated short “Chase Me” that’s available on the DVD. The short is online now, SO I CAN WATCH IT WHENEVER I WANT!!
BRB, CRYING FOREVER.
Now I really want that blanket. And it is a Justice League blanket – you can see Flash and Superman on it when Kirk leaves the garage.
Unfortunately, we cut away from the blanket in time to see Luke’s hair doing this:
Dude. What the fuck. No, seriously. What in the ever-loving fuck is going on on his head? Why did the hairstylist hate him so much? Or was he attacked by a relative of that face hugger thing from Alien that is just content to camp out on dude’s heads and make them look like they’re wearing defective Halloween wigs that had been run over by trucks before being danced on by hyperactive children?
The next day, Judgy WASP Mom storms into the diner and tells Luke that he’s an idiot because he didn’t get back together with Lorelai. Again, not something I think Emily Gilmore would ever do, but, ‘k. Luke calls Lorelai and lets Judgy WASP Mom incriminate herself. When Lorelai comes to the rescue, she has to tell her mother that there’s no way in hell she’s coming to Friday Night Dinner because she kind of hates her.
At the Tarantino party, Smarmy pulls Rory aside and starts making out with her even though they have other dates to the party. Smarmy is all “I DON’T LIKE WHEN OTHER PEOPLE TOUCH WHAT I THINK BELONGS TO ME!” This makes him pay extra attention to Rory after the party because now he sees her as more valuable than he did before. Sure, when he was dating someone else, casual was fine. Rory goes on one date with some nameless guy and Smarmy is following her around like a lost puppy. It’s cliche. Eat a dick, Smarmy. You are officially The Worst.