Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 5, Episode 20 “How Many Kropogs to Cape Cod?”

It’s Oscar night. Or day, since it’s the afternoon. I’ll watch. I like to tweet assholish things about the ceremony in real time because I think I’m funnier than I am.

jennifer-lawrence-gifs-adorable

We start this episode with Paris singing “Walking on Sunshine” which she shouldn’t even know the lyrics to because she would find it too cheerful and immediately question the motives of whoever wrote it. She took a shower in the produce section of her local grocery store because when she takes the towel from her hair it looks like it has only been kissed by mist and not hammered by actual water pressure.

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Rory and Paris are happy because they have boyfriends. And, yes, that will make you happy…at first. But things eventually reset. The problems you had before you got into a relationship will still be there. The self-esteem issues or depression you had before your relationship will still be there. I think Hollywood (and stories in general since time immemorial) do us all a disservice by pretending once you get together with someone you get a “happily ever after.” The first date, the first kiss, the walk down the aisle – that shit is just the beginning.

Smarmy appears wearing a sweater that looks like it’s made out of various left over parts of Chewbacca:

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After giving his sweater the eyeroll, Rory recites Poppa Smarmy’s biography to Smarmy. She’s all “SMARMY YOUR DAD IS WAY COOLER THAN YOU AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M SLEEPING WITH YOU OVER HIM BECAUSE AT LEAST HE HAS AMBITION AND YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE DOING A SHITTY COSPLAY OF A COKED OUT WOOKIE.” Smarmy cries and runs off the set, never to return. 

Lorelai calls Rory because she wants Rory to unreturn a sweater she’s returned a million times and Rory finally tells her about her internship at the paper. She says, and I quote, “I guess we haven’t talked in a couple of days…” Oh. So….what was that cold open of them sitting on the phone together while watching twin Roombas wander their floors? A dream? Hallucination? An excuse for the Palladinos to get two free Roombas?

The Elder Gilmores freak out about the social rules they’ve broken by not inviting Smarmy to dinner 10 seconds after Rory’s dinner at his parents house, and once Lorelai gets wind of it she decides that she too has to go to this dinner. Why she wouldn’t set up her own dinner or meet them for coffee in New Haven at another time is unknown. “We’re done” means “We’re done unless Rory has a boyfriend she wants to bring to dinner at your place” in Lorelai-speak.

On Monday, Rory reports to the paper for her internship. She takes a selfie with a cup of coffee.

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How far we’ve come.

She spends most of her day chasing Poppa Smarmy around and then calls Smarmy to bitch about how terrible everything is and how she needs help. Yeah. That’ll endear you to the rest of the office – call your boyfriend so he can make the boss (who is also his dad) talk to you.

Back in the Hollow, Luke as become quite the amazing chef and has made Lorelai dinner. Query – if Luke can cook like this, and LIKES to cook like this, why does he own a diner that serves nothing but burgers and breakfast? Spacey Grandpa calls to tell Lorelai he can’t wait to read the article in the travel magazine where she compares Judgy WASP Mom to Pol Pot.

At Friday Night Dinner, Spacey Grandpa and Judgy WASP Mom are already naming Rory and Smarmy’s children. They’re going with Rormy. Smarmy butters up the grandparents by bringing gifts for both of them. This is actually what one should do when attending dinner at someone’s house. But he also brings a lighter that he keeps in his pocket.

Spacey Grandpa and Judgy WASP Mom gush over Smarmy even when he’s sitting like this:

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What grace. What class. (#SitUpStraight #GetOffMyLawn)

Smarmy tells a story about how people at Yale used to measure things based on the height of a kid named Kropog. Fun fact – This isn’t some cute story the writers made up to be funny. A Kropog may not actually exist in this context, but at Harvard, a bunch of kids actually did measure distance based on the height of a guy named Oliver Smoot. in 1958, some kids measured the length of the Harvard Bridge (it’s a bridge on Massachusetts Avenue that connects Boston to Cambridge) in Smoots. I lived about three blocks from the bridge and used to walk from my apartment to Central Square or Harvard Square quite often, and the bridge is actually marked in Smoots on the sidewalk on one side.

The lighter that Smarmy had in his pocket was for some “Life and Death Brigade” business. He takes a knickknack from one house and moves it to another house, and takes another knickknack. Awesome. Stealing seems to be Smarmy’s M.O. Who wants to bet if he was ever caught he’d get off with nothing but a slap on the wrists? Meanwhile, some poor kid of color would get 5+ years in a maximum security prison for the same behavior.

Remember back in season one when Tristan (aka Spiky) got busted for stealing and had to go to military school? Smarmy is Spiky part two. I wonder if he was supposed to run throughout the whole show but Chad Michael Murray ruined that plot line by jumping to One Tree Hill.

Smarmy is positive that no one will notice the switch. Emily Gimore notices. She immediately starts in on the maid, and Lorelai, who saw the theft take place, waits for Smarmy to fess up. Which he doesn’t, because he is a no good shit face. Affluenza, indeed. Lorelai tries to tell her parents the Smarmy sucks but they’re too blinded by his money and social status to see it. They call her a drunk and a prude and leave her sitting at the table alone.

Alone-GIF

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 5, Episode 20 “How Many Kropogs to Cape Cod?”

  1. Super late to the party (both GG and your recaps of same) – your recaps are fab but as a Boston native I must point out that the Smoots stunt was carried out not by Harvard students, but by their Cambridge neighbors at MIT.

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