Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 5, Episode 21 “Blame Booze and Melville”

Episode Twenty One! This season is finally old enough to drink!

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I write this in honor of leap year. Or something. Whatever reason sounds good is why I’m doing it.

The Gilmore girls are doing fondue at Judgy WASP Mom’s, meaning Lorelai took it to heart when her mother said “if you come for Smarmy’s dinner, you come to them all.” I’m shocked Lorelai didn’t immediately forget about that when she hung up the phone.

Judgy WASP Mom needs the girls’ opinions on which adorable ballerina she’s going to “sponsor” (which means she thinks she gets a human accessory to show off like they’re one of Paris Hilton’s purse dogs or Justin Bieber’s monkey.)

After dinner, Lorelai and Rory move crap from one car to another and discuss Sookie’s baby shower. What they do not discuss is why Lorelai is wearing boot cut slacks under a wrap dress:

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??? Of all the baffling fashion choices on the show to date, this may be the most baffling. More baffling than the infamous Country Cousin Lorelai Takes Sister Rory to School for Some Book Learnin’ outfit of season one.

Luke is super excited when he learns the Lorelai somehow got an advance copy of the magazine she’s in. (Do magazines do advanced copies?) Lorelai can’t wait for Judgy WASP Mom to read her interview and then hire men to come break her knees before killing her until she dies from it. I hope Lorelai is as immune to stabbings as she is to calories.

There is a party for the magazine and Luke and Lorelai are invited to celebrate the issue. Barring the fact that this would literally never happen for a monthly or even semi-annual magazine, it gives Luke an opportunity to do what he does best – COMPLAIN. In the limo, which was provided by a cash-strapped print publication, Luke and Lorelai make out, which leads to hot bareback sex in Luke’s apartment.

Sookie’s baby torpedos the crappy half-assed baby shower Lorelai and Rory were going to throw. In fairness – does one get a baby shower for baby number 2? I know nothing about this sort of thing. However, I know more than Lorelai who is convinced she is pregnant less than 12 hours after sex because she wanted to eat an apple. I understand her concern, but this episode speaks directly to the shitty sex education available in America. Typically, implantation of the ovum doesn’t occur until 7 – 10 days after ovulation. So even if she got knocked up in that golden window that women are fertile each month (typically only a 24 – 48 hour period right after ovulation), it’s not going to implant for a several days. If there is something wrong with it, it may not implant at all.

Here’s something fun that they don’t teach you in schools – getting pregnant can be a hell of a lot harder than you think it’ll be. For someone like Lorelai, who already had one unplanned pregnancy, she may feel she’ll get knocked up the second she has unprotected sex. She may be right. She’s probably not, though. I’ve never been pregnant but thanks to what little sex ed I got in school (still better than what kids get today!), I was completely convinced the moment sperm came anywhere close to my vaginal canal I would become instantly pregnant. It would be like spray on hair, but for babies!!

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So I always used two forms of birth control (hormonal and prophylactic). It was a HUUUUGGGGGEEEEE surprise for me when my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby and I didn’t get pregnant that first month. Or the next month. Or the many months after that. They never tell you that even a young, healthy woman only has a 25% chance of getting pregnant each month or that it takes a typical, healthy young couple an average of six months to conceive. We’re all told that bare dick = baby so a lot of women are devastated when it doesn’t happen.

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Lorelai calls Rory to ask her what birth control she’s using. Jesus, Lorelai, late should be your middle name. You should have already had this talk with her! You should have had this talk with her before she even started dating Floppy! (Side note – I’m really glad Lorelai’s birth control talk with Rory involves insulting the Stars Hollow gym teacher because Lorelai personally doesn’t think she’s fuckable enough to ever need birth control. It’s mean-spirited and completely unnecessary.) She then has to tell Rory that she and Luke fucked without a condom. WHY ARE YOU TELLING YOUR DAUGHTER ABOUT THIS? AND WHY AREN’T YOU DOUBLED UP ON BIRTH CONTROL?????

That’s what I find hardest to believe. I can’t believe that Lorelai, a woman who already had to contend with one unplanned pregnancy, is leaving her birth control up to JUST condoms. This is a woman who knows what an unplanned pregnancy can do to her life and she’s not using a back up method just in case that condom fails? The pill, the shot, the ring, an IUD, SOMETHING?

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This isn’t intended to rag on condoms. Condoms are great. Condoms should be used in every sexual encounter (gay or straight) that occurs outside a long-term monogamous partnership. If you are having casual sex, you should be using a condom every time. Sure, maybe sex doesn’t feel the same with a condom as it does without. What’s worse? A slight decrease in sensation during still awesome sex or untreatable “super gonorrhea”?

(END PSA)

It’s pretty shitty that Lorelai tells Rory she thinks she’s pregnant literally less than 12 hours after having sex. She could have at least waited until she skipped her period before causing that much emotional distress for her daughter.

You know what else sucks? RESOLVING THIS ISSUE IN LITERALLY THE NEXT SCENE. Come on! If you’re going to put this in here, it needs to carry weight. It can’t just be “I think I’m pregnant but when I get to the end of this sentence I will know I am not.” That’s cheap, lazy writing. So is pretending that you can schedule someone to have a vasectomy without their knowledge, like Sookie does to Jackson. That’s a conversation they should totally have, but Sookie can’t force him to get this procedure. (Hey Sookie – while you and Jackson have what will probably be a long, drawn out debate about this, think about getting an IUD implanted at your six week post-baby follow-up. They’re 99% effective and they last up to 10 years. Set it and forget it!)

There’s a very boring staff meeting with Poppa Smarmy, where Rory shows off yet another crime against good taste.

 

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That’s a knit tank top with leather(?) straps and buckles, over a thin white t-shirt.

Poppa Smarmy sits Rory down and tells her that she doesn’t have what it takes to be a journalist. One of my old journalism professors called it the “fire in the belly” that makes all good journalists. Then he told my entire class that none of us had it. (In my case, he was right.) Rory is devastated by this. I think this may be the first time anyone has ever told her she isn’t good at something.

There’s a B story involving Luke and Kirk and shirtless Kirk and a steam room. Really, all you need to know is suddenly Kirk has money, suddenly Luke is poor, and they both want to buy the house from the museum episode. Towel Cousin It declares Luke should get the house.

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Lorelai gives Judgy WASP Mom a copy of the magazine with the article where she compares her mother to a boil on the neck of Donald Trump. It’s cruel, because she doesn’t even preface it! She just hands it over and lets her read, letting her mother take the brunt of the storm without any warning at all. Dick move. And a cowardly move, too.

Rory bails on Friday Night Dinner and goes to Smarmy’s sister’s engagement party. She’s pissed because of Poppa Smarmy and takes it out on Smarmy. She’s so upset by the events of the day that she starts talking about taking a boat (any boat) and sailing out to sea. Normally, when someone acts this out of character it’s up to the other person to talk to them and see what’s going on. They then talk to them, listen to them, and take them out for a drink or some coffee to make them feel better. But Smarmy is not normal and he already has a proven track record of disregarding rules and stealing shit. He doesn’t try to talk Rory out of this. Instead, they steal a yacht together. And, inferring from the call Lorelai gets in the last scene, they get busted.

Good. I hope Smarmy gets in some sort of trouble. He won’t because money, but we can dare to dream.

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One thought on “Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 5, Episode 21 “Blame Booze and Melville”

  1. Lorelai also makes an unnecessarily cruel comment about one of the ballerinas, saying she should take a trip to the dermatologist, which i’m assuming insinuates she has pretty bad acne. a) i guess her acne totally undermines her talent in ballet and b) going to a dermatologist doesn’t automatically solve your acne problems. Take it from someone who has been to four dermatologists before my acne, every medication pretty much making it worse, and then having it just clear up randomly after i stopped using said medications because it decided i had suffered enough for eight years? i suppose? anyway i’m still super bitter and dealing with the scars, and i just don’t understand why they have to make Lorelai so cruel sometimes. I’m supposed to like this character and find her funny???

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