Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 5, Episode 22 “A House is Not a Home”

LAST EPISODE OF SEASON 5! :Puts first two notes of Etta James’s “At Last” on a constant loop and dances around the living room:


This episode starts where the last one ended – with Lorelai waltzing into a police station to pick up her dumb daughter. Yes, Poppa Smarmy told Rory she didn’t have what it takes to be a journalist. That’s upsetting. But most people just get drunk when they’re told they may not achieve their dreams. Or cry. Or punch a pillow. Or go for a run. Then they regroup, flip the bird to the asshole who should have kept his big fat mouth shut, and keep on keepin’ on. I mean, if I had listened to every person who told me I was a shitty writer, would I be blogging on the internet right now? (Answer – yes. Answer, pt. 2 – It is because I am a shitty writer that I have a blog and am not writing for television. (I can’t be any worse than people who wrote for Two and a Half Men, right? That show was a fucking garbage fire.)  BUT I’M NOT LETTING THAT STOP ME! BASK IN MY SHITTINESS, INTERNET! BASK!!!!)

Before Rory can be released from jail, Lorelai word vomits all over some cop who is just trying to get through his day. Then Smarmy’s shithead friends show up all excited that “vintage Huntzberger!” has gotten himself arrested. Again. And yet he still hasn’t been thrown in prison because of a three strikes rule or had to sit in a cell for years because his family didn’t have bail money. Hmm…I wonder why Smarmy has gotten away with all his “boyish pranks”…what factors ($$$$$$) are keeping him (white) from ending up (powerful family) in “the system”?

The girls go back to Stars Hollow where Lorelai word vomits on Luke about voting and library books and how Rory is a good kid. Good kids sometimes do dumb things. Good kids especially do dumb things when influenced by shitball kids. Rory tells Lorelai about what happened with Poppa Smarmy and Lorelai points out that he never even read her writing. He never assigned her a story. He has literally no idea what kind of journalist she would be (though, to be fair, probably a terrible one considering she marched right up to Smarmy and told him she was going to follow him to get a story about his Secret Society that no one was supposed to know about.)

The troubador shows up again to sing a thematically spot on song (Merle Haggard’s “Mama Tried“)  about going to jail. Not a huge fan of this device because of how on the nose these songs always are. Sure, I’ve got headcannons set in the Injustice: Gods Among Us prequel universe where Batman and Superman get ready to pound the shit out of each other set to the song “Traitor” by Daughtry. But it’s a headcannon, not a real thing because that would be ridiculous. (If that song turns up in the Batman v. Superman movie I will literally scream, laugh, screamlaugh, and then die. Pour one out for me when I go.)


Lorelai quickly warms up to the idea of having a criminal for a daughter. She plasters her mugshot to the fridge and gives her bread and water to eat. I’m most surprised that Lorelai knows what water is and put it into an actual glass that she’ll have to wash.

Smarmy discovers that his dad was the catalyist for the whole boat situation and he demands to know what happened. He’s all “I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE ACTING WEIRD BUT I WAS TOO THRILLED WITH STEALING AND BEING A DICK TO NOTICE!!” He says all that while standing in front of a poster with bunny ears on it that gives us this amazing visual:

Screen shot 2016-03-03 at 8.25.14 PM

Here’s a short list of other things that happen in this episode that aren’t that exciting:

  • Lane is worried the band isn’t going to live up to its potential;
  • Rory bombs her final; and
  • Lorelai tells Luke she’s thinking about working for some corporate hotel chain and Luke puts his fist through his own face in rage.

After calling the coroner to pick up Dead Luke, Lorelai meets Rory at Weston’s for coffee. This is where Rory decides to tell Lorelai that she’s not going back to college in the fall. The argument they have in the scene is great – it’s one of those classic Gilmore arguments where everyone has a point. Yes, Rory is being rash in dropping out just because one guy told her she doesn’t have what it takes, and yes, it’s ok to take some time off from college to get yourself together so you aren’t wasting tens of thousands of dollars doing nothing.

Luke is brought back from the dead in time to scream into Taylor’s face about no longer wanting the house he just bought because Lorelai is thinking about maybe possibly taking a job offer with the Inn company (and we all know that will never happen so Taylor just took a face full of spittle for nothing.)

After Rory’s announcement, Lorelai is so desperate to get Rory to listen to her that she actually begs her parents for help. They agree to help her. Why do I have a feeling this isn’t going to go the way Lorelai thinks it will? (Cue that Daughtry song.)

And it doesn’t. Rory cries a few crocodile tears and suddenly her grandfather, who pulled strings to get her into Yale by setting her up for a meeting with an admissions counselor, is perfectly ok with her bumming around the pool house while she feels sorry for herself. And this is all because ONE MAN told her she wasn’t going to make a journalist! ONE. MAN!


After being stabbed in the back by her parents (a surprise EVERYONE saw coming), she goes back to Luke’s and tells him what happened. He decides they should kidnap Rory and force her to go to school. Lorelai, who is in a shitty emotional place and who should not be making any big life decisions at the moment, asks Luke to marry her. He’s all “Didn’t you hear I am an undead zombie who died from a self-inflicted punch to my own face?” And we fade out.

The best part of this entire episode is learning that Mrs. Kim is a kick ass tour manager. She sets Lane’s band up on a church tour, finds them places to stay, and blesses Gil’s van as their transportation.


That’s it! That’s the season! Bring on season 6!


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