:Reads title of episode:
:Stares blankly at screen:
:Reads title of episode again:
Yeah, I get it – it’s a play on “a dead man tells no tales.” That doesn’t make it clever.
I’ll start by saying that I am broken hearted that Rob Bricken is no longer reviewing Gotham on i09 due to some weird new editorial policy that stripped the site of 99% of its TV reviews (we lost Genevieve Valentine reviewing Sleepy Hollow, too.) You’re still Patron Saint of Gotham TV Reviewers to me, Rob.
Second, I will point out that this point by the AV Club is fucking SPOT ON:
“Wrath Of The Villains: A Dead Man Feels No Cold” is really just an extension of last week’s winter premiere, as if Gotham filmed a two-hour premiere and then chopped it into two equal halves.
Ok, let’s do this.
Jim Gordon is the Worst
Fries takes a janitor hostage in an attempt to something something his wife or whatever. The reasoning doesn’t make a lot of sense here because Fries literally has a freeze gun so powerful it just killed seven cops who were shooting at him, but a hostage is needed for a reason. Ben Grimm is all, “Ok, let’s draw him out using his wife as bait! Oh – and let’s do it in that rotting cesspool called Arkham, because that sounds completely safe.” Jim is all, “GREAT IDEA, SIR! Let’s use a dying woman to set a trap for a crazy person!” Ben Grimm and Jim then high five and touch dicks in a manly way.
Leslie (a.k.a. Deadpool’s girlfriend), for once, doesn’t really think it’s a good idea to use a living human as bait. Jim, explaining how this show got here in the first place, says, “It’s the least bad of all the bad options.” Perhaps you should try picking a good option? So Leslie rolls her eyes and points to her belly while screaming I AM PREGNANT! before going with the crew to Arkham. Jim’s hard on for putting an entire hospital full of people in danger is just the first example of why he is The Worst.
Penguin sees Jim in the yard and begs for his help. Since he literally lied for Jim and kept him out of jail, Jim should probably help him. Or at least take the allegations of torture a little more seriously. Instead, Jim decides that Penguin is insane because that’s what his lawyer said and lets him be dragged of for more Steampunk Goggle Eyefuck Torture. This is the second example of why Jim is The Worst.
When the van crashes through Arkham gates, they discover it’s being driven by the hostage. His arms are FROZEN TO THE STEERING WHEEL. Jim is all, “Fuck off, you aren’t Fries” and leaves the dude there without calling for any backup or medical help. The Arkham alarm is going off, but he could have left one guy there or radioed in to get back up. He didn’t even tell the guy “Hang on, I’ll call for some help.” This is the hero of the show and the Best Cop in Gotham. (The Worst, example #3)
Fries, dressed like Matt Damon in that hilarious Golden Globe winning comedy, The Martian, breaks into Arkham through a wall. Hugo Strange helps him out in exchange for his freezing formula, and he’s able to take both Leslie and Nora back to his Basement of Death. Leslie is all, “Maybe you shouldn’t freeze her because you are so obviously going to jail and, like, who will take care of her?” and Fries is all “She’ll become a ward of the city and that’s great because Gotham is known for the humane, decent treatment of all her citizens!” (LOL, sure.) Nora is all, “Living is overrated!” so she kills herself with some of his shit formula, even though she shouldn’t have any idea which of the formulas will or will not work.
Once he discovers that Nora switched the formula, Fries kills himself. I honestly thought that he was dead dead, and I was pissed off as hell because what a god damned waste of yet another villain. But no! He’s not dead dead. He’s just Mr. Freeze now, courtesy of Hugo Strange.
Leslie and Jim talk about things, but no one can pay attention to that because they leave their full, hot coffee pot on the counter. Rob Bricken may not review the show for io9 anymore, but he did tweet the following (which I am unable to embed so I had to take screencaps):
If they turn out to be lizard people, this will be the best show in the history of TV.
(I will admit – I was wrong about the pills from last episode playing a role in this episode. When Nora almost died in the wheelchair I thought she’d start a coughing fit and the pills would come back into play, but they didn’t. So that whole thing last week with the pills and her needing them to live and his fight with the pharmacist and bringing the pills to the station when he went to turn himself in…meant nothing.)
Bruce Wayne’s Urge To Kill…Rising
In a scene that is completely unrelated to the rest of the episode, Leslie goes to Wayne Room to talk to Bruce about his “trauma.” Not the trauma of seeing his parents murdered in front of him, no! This is brand new trauma – the trauma of being captured by a cult and almost sacrificed because your ancestor cut some dude’s hand off after he fucked your other ancestor. This scene was probably intended for last week’s episode because it contradicts itself in a few places (GOTHAM!), one of which is that Leslie later refuses to leave Nora Fries’s side because she is so desperately sick she cannot go long without medical attention. But Leslie left her in a holding cell to come talk to Bruce about his feelings
Also – Leslie is a fucking medical examiner. She is not a psychologist and she should not be trying to provide mental health counseling for lost little boys and their horny ass butlers. (We all know that’s why Alfred called. He’s all “Please come
ride on this face talk to Master Wayne about his emotional health.”)
Bruce is back from Switzerland and he can’t stop telling the audience that HE WILL ONE DAY BE BATMAN!!!!! He’s all “Leslie, the Bruce you knew is dead. I am NewBruce. It’s like New Coke, but people will hate it more. Oh, and BTDubs, I totally loved feeling like I was going to be murdered. Selina and I are going to have a relationship built around that one day.”
Later, Bruce is punching a bag in Wayne Cave when Alfred walks in and tells him to stop training. What exactly does Alfred want? First he wants Bruce to train to avenge his parents, but then he hauls him off to Switzerland just when they get the name of the man who shot the Waynes. He wants Bruce to take matters into his own hands (like he did when he forced a child with a sprained ankle to climb up a giant hill and when he gave his young charge his father’s watch to use as brass knuckles) but then he refuses to let Bruce kill Matches Malone. Now he believes in therapy because Bruce is keeping secrets from him, which, I don’t think Alfred knows how therapy works? You don’t tell a therapist something and that therapist yells “THIS MUST BE A SECRET!” and scribbles it on a note to give to your butler during passing period.
Now Alfred wants Bruce to promise that he can kill Matches Malone. Bruce, who is Alfred’s boss, approves the murder as one would approve a time off request. Rob says:
Question – if Matches Malone is one of Bruce’s aliases in the comics, and Matches is the one who killed the Waynes, does this mean that Bruce killed his own parents in this universe?
Selina shows up because her purpose in this show is to appear in Wayne Room, tell Bruce his plan is stupid because he’s a naive rich kid, and then help him accomplish his goal anyway. Bruce is all, “GET ME A GUN!” Selina is all, “…eh. Ok.”
Penguin the Goose
He continues getting fucked with by Hugo Strange. Penguin playing duck duck goose with all the inmates is the best scene in the episode.
Dead Cop Count for this episode: 8