My apologies for the tardiness of this review. I was scheduled to post it on Wednesday and just…couldn’t. I’m not sure if it was the Felon party in the previous episode or if it was Gotham. Both have the ability to suck one’s soul out through the face holes.
Rory’s started her first day of community service. I wonder what type of people she’ll be serving with?
Oh, right. Crazy worthless sacks of pointless humanity! Not like Rory, a GOOD girl! Remember, only BAD people (and Rory, who was acting out and disillusioned!) get community service. Rory is, obviously, the only person here who has ever made a mistake. Let us sit in moral judgment of these people.
Rory spends her non community service time making friends with the maid, practicing her Spanish, and pitching in around the house. Judgy WASP Mom is very upset by this because all of those things are for The Poors and Rory is not A Poor!
In Stars Hollow, Luke outs himself as a Star Wars guy and Lorelai wallows in her Bewitched fandom. TJ is installing his hard, hard wood into a crevice in Luke’s diner, and Lorelai wants to adopt a dog (Paul Anka) that she will soon kill.
Luke doesn’t like dogs. Luke doesn’t like anything. Of course, Lorelai didn’t consult the man she’s going to marry about his stance on dogs, just like he didn’t consult her on what to do with her house once they move in together. The Gilmore Guys have said it best – there is a fundamental lack of communication in Luke & Lorelai’s relationship. It doesn’t make any sense because they were able to communicate fairly well before. Why are they failing so terribly now (besides “this is a TV show and we need conflict!”)?
Judgy WASP Mom and Spacey Grandpa call Rory into the house to talk to her about getting a job. Well, giving her a job, because god forbid Rory not have anything handed to her. All of a sudden, Rory doesn’t think she can possibly work now that she has to fulfill 300 hours of community service in 6 months. If Rory did 40 hours of community service a week she’d be done in less than 2 months. If she did 15 hours a week, she’d finish in just under 6 months! Why can’t she work part time and then do 15 hours of community service a week? Her grandparents will find her something that will be flexible with her schedule, which is lucky for her. A lot of people don’t have jobs that will be flexible enough to allow for community service, so their little mistake becomes a life-ruining problem.
Later, Rory is drafted into a DAR meeting where all the women present reveal themselves to be Hamilton trash.
They all want Rory to work in their office, which would be great, except Rory would have to join the DAR.
Rory is lucky she’s only dealing with the DAR. Lorelai is stuck in the beginning of a horror movie or thriller. She comes home to a dude (who looks fake) standing on her roof:
He’s there to kill Lorelai and wear her skin? Maybe eat her (he kind of looks like a cannibal, right)? Draft her into a real-life production of Room? (Not The Room, which would be the best thing to happen to this show. Lauren Graham would kill as Tommy Wiseau. I mean, imagine her in this):
It’s revealed that Luke is part of a roving gang of killer cannibals who have come to cook and eat Lorelai. By posing as a diner owner who feeds Lorelai three square meals a day, he’s been able to work the proper amount of spices and seasonings into her food. After 10+ years (8 years? 15 years? 19? The timeline tends to change) her flesh has finally achieved the proper level of curing for the cannibals to use her as the main course during one of their wedding feasts. As sad as we all are to lose Lorelai to cannibals, at least Paul Anka the Dog will live.
Judgy WASP Mom drives Rory to her community service in a Jag. Kelly Bishop looks amazing in this scene.
At the diner, One-Earring Liz (AGAIN WITH THE ONE EARRING!) begs Luke to hire TJ to work for him. See, TJ curses a lot and it makes employers think he’s weird. Wow. I’m glad I don’t have a fucking problem with swearing. Fucking bitch ass problem, if you ask me. Shit.
Now that Lorelai’s dead, TJ takes the initiative to demo her house so her ghost won’t have a place to haunt. The problem is Luke wanted to do it himself. Now he has to kill TJ, but since no one wants to eat him Luke turns him into chow for Paul Anka. As he’s kicking everyone out of the diner so he can render the fat from TJ’s bones, Rory appears. She heard about her mother’s death and would really love to drown her grief in fries and spices (that will help continue to cure her for future wedding feasts.) Luke is happy to oblige.
After being filled with tenderizing spices and a little too much salt, Rory gets into a fight with one of the girls doing community service with her. She gets yelled at and sent back out to pick up more trash on the side of the road. Lorelai’s ghost, doomed to wander the earth now that her home has been destroyed, materializes in front of her. She says “DON’T EAT THE FRIES! BEWARE THE FRIES!”
All Rory hears is that noise the adults make in Charlie Brown cartoons. Then Lorelai dematerializes and drifts away on the wind, leaving the scent of hamburgers lingering in the summer breeze.