Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 6, Episode 3 “The Ungraduate”

This episode begins the way all good things begin – with Pop-Tarts and accidental nakedness. As a dedicated Never Nude, I myself have never been naked. However, I do love a good Pop-Tart and I assume people with good bodies like to get naked now and then, so these two things must be amazing when combined. What is the best Pop-Tart for nakedness? Strawberry frosted? Unfrosted blueberry? Something more unorthodox, like S’mores?

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Lorelai (who is once again alive) is not a Never Nude because she has a good body. That must be nice. A bunch of dudes see her in the shower and Luke, who I assume is a Never Nude (not because he has a “bad” body – he doesn’t! He’s just a curmudgeon who hates joy, which is a personalty trait that leads to embracing the Jort) is horrified.

Later at the inn, Paris is dabbling in becoming a Never Nude – what do you wear after having sex with a guy? Nothing? Solution – never take your clothes off and hide your body in shame! Works for me (gets a bit soggy in the shower, however)! After Paris decides to become one of the Nakeds, Lorelai shoos her out of the inn and everyone celebrates. Paris is a terrible person that the audience loves so we give her terribleness a pass.

Sookie is excited to use an upcoming wedding as a trial run for Luke and Lorelai’s wedding. Michele, being the only smart one on this show, tells Lorelai flat out that she will not be getting married. I can’t help but believe this to be true. (Sidebar – how the hell does anyone get anything done in Sookie’s kitchen with all that crap on the counters? It’s like a storage area for future twee Pintrest posts.)

Rory is doing well at her community service. She’s doing so well she’s running the place and dropping Johnny Cash references like it’s her job.

She’s also working at the DAR office and spying on Judgy WASP Mom’s enemies. And Momma Smarmy was worried Rory wouldn’t fit in to a rich family! LOL, she’s going to be a great terrible rich person!

Luke is upset because Lorelai is popular with the construction crew. Considering Tom is the foreman, these are most likely the same guys who did all the work on the inn. Lorelai should know all of them and that doesn’t occur to Luke. Lorelai does make one mistake – Tom asks her if she wants to redo her kitchen. She says no, even though she has Nightmare Counters:

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Tile. How I LOTHE tile countertops. I have a tile countertop and I hate it. If it were up to me (I rent, so it’s not) I’d knock it out and redo it right now. I never feel like it’s clean because I’m always paranoid shit is stuck in the crevices, shit like tiny crumbs and salmonella and ebola or whatever the fuck kind of creepy things they get to star in Scrubbing Bubbles commercials. I bleach the shit out of my countertop but I’ve still never gotten over the Fear of the Crevice. (I use a lot of cutting boards when cooking.) Plus – you can’t roll out a fucking pie crust or pizza dough or shit on tile countertops! However, I will say once nice thing about tile countertops: You never have to worry about burning them. You can put a hot pan directly on the counter and it doesn’t matter.

I guess it’s not really Lorelai’s fault – she was eaten by cannibals last review, so she may not be in her right mind at the moment. Hopefully when she regains her strength and completely regenerates she’ll tell Tom to knock out those ugly counters.

Semi-regenerated Lorelai has lunch with Paris, who tells her about Rory working in an office with Judgy WASP Mom. Rory is also doing community service at a retirement home, which is where Smarmy finds her. Smarmy triggers an Elderly Stampede with his jerk face and he’s tragically crushed beneath the wheels of a dozen walkers, leaving nothing but a greasy smear on the motel-quality carpeting.

Rory has to go through Smarmy’s effects, and it looks like she’s looking at pictures on some sort of device, but I can’t tell where the lens to said device is?

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(Smarmy is dead in the picture above. That’s him after rigor mortis has set in.)

The next morning Rory and Smarmy’s corpse get breakfast. She tells him all about her community service, the community service she received for getting busting committing a crime. The same crime he committed. But he didn’t get punished, he got to go to Europe and push a giant cheese wheel down a hill. And he’d be bored by Rory’s tales of regular life if he weren’t dead. Lucky for all of us, he is dead.

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Rory walks around Yale for awhile and hopefully realizes that she’s made a huge mistake not returning to school. If she doesn’t realize it in this scene, she must realize it in the next scene, where she’s inducted into the DAR while wearing one of Judgy WASP Mom’s old jackets.

Also in this episode  – Lane’s band is on its Church Tour. Zach has grown a beard. I am stating that as a matter of fact and not as a value judgment of any kind. The band has managed to make $9k on their tour, which means they can finally record an album.

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