I really want to rag on the jacket Lorelai is wearing in the cold opening of this episode. Then I remember that I have a blazer I purchased from Goodwill with the express purpose of bedazzling the fuck out of it (I have yet to do this. But I will.) So you do you, Lorelai Gilmore. You wear that weird as fuck blazer. Let us make bold clothing choices much like Lorelai Gilmore!
At Luke’s, Lorelai orders a scooped bagel, making this the first time anyone ever mentioned a scooped bagel on TV (I cannot verify if this is true.) The idea behind a scooped bagel is that if you take the insides out and just eat the “crust,” you lower the calorie count. Thin, anti-carb people who hate joy came up with this idea.
As she’s eating her sad, gutless bagel, she sees a picture of Rory in the paper from her DAR function. Now Lorelai has more to cry about than a scooped bagel.
Later, Lorelai, Michele, and Sookie learn that the street the inn is on has been renamed as “Sores and Boils Alley” as if that’s a name that anyone, especially people in the late 1700s, would name a street. I wouldn’t even name a street Sores and Boils Alley and I am the kind of nut that is completely onboard with naming a boat Boaty McBoatface.
Spacey Grandpa and Judgy WASP Mom discuss the DAR function over sugary grapefruit. Judgy WASP Mom wants to know where Logan has been (is the answer “dead”? Can the answer be “dead”?) When some papers involving the Dragonfly arrive, Judgy WASP Mom freaks out and demands to know why Spacey Grandpa didn’t tell her about seeing Lorelai.
Unfortunately, Smarmy is still around and he’s making himself more annoying by bringing Rory a pink Birkin bag. This episode of the Gilmore Girls has become an episode of Sex and the City. For a guy that has such distain for “those people” (a.k.a. rich people like himself) he sure does like the perks that come with being one of the moneyed class.
After Smarmy and Rory’s date to show off the Birkin, Spacey Grandpa grabs Smarmy and they have a nightcap. Spacey Grandpa grills Smarmy about Rory’s plans and their plans for the future, which freaks Rory out. Is this because she just realized that her grandparents want her to marry Smarmy, which would make Poppa Smarmy her father-in-law. You know, the guy who made her drop out of school and upset her so much she almost had a panic attack when she saw him from across the room?
Rory then asks Judgy WASP Mom to tell Spacey Grandpa to knock off the creepy shotgun wedding talk but Judgy WASP Mom is more interested in the Birkin. Emily talks to her husband, which leads to both of them snooping through Rory’s things like a bunch of assholes. I would just like to take this moment to thank my mother for never snooping through my things. She considered it a breech of privacy and wouldn’t even go into my purse, closet, or drawers without permission. She’s so strict about it that she refuses to open the fridge at her sister’s house unless she is specifically asked to do so/asks permission first.
Also – why was it ok for Smarmy’s family to have a blatant marriage conversation during the first meeting with Rory, but Spacey Grandpa’s very obscure questions about the future require Rory stepping in to tell him to stop? And now Smarmy won’t even use the front door? Please. What a weak-willed stooge.
Rory tells Smarmy that she loves him and he doesn’t say anything. He’s all “I only tell girls I love them so they will suck my dick. You have already sucked my dick without any overtures of love, so you can see why I am confused here.”
Lorelai has finally deduced who has been sending her random shit all episode (Judgy WASP Mom.) They fight over Lorelai’s dollhouse because Lorelai refuses to go pick it up on such short notice (understandable.) The doorbell rings and it’s Spacey Grandpa with her dollhouse. He wants her to take the dollhouse, and he wants to talk about Rory. Finally. GO BACK TO SCHOOL, RORY!!