Hey, 2016? You need to leave us a few music legends. You can’t take them all in the same year. I cannot abide a world where both David Bowie and Prince die within months of each other.
I remember being 11 or 12 and obsessively watching MTV in hopes of seeing the video for “7.” I remember laughing at “Batdance.” “1999” was ubiquitous the closer we got to December 31, 1999. I can’t tell you how many times I danced to “When Doves Cry” at goth clubs across the Denver Metro area. But some of my favorite songs are off the Diamonds and Pearls album. Songs like “Thunder,” “Daddy Pop,” and, of course, “Gett Off.”
Some people are just special. Special, uber talented, and operating on a level most of us cannot see let alone fathom. Prince was one of these people. RIP, Prince. The world is a little less purple now.
Ok, lets talk Gotham.
I don’t know why I’m still watching this stupid show. It’s nonsensical at this point. I’m giving it until the end of the season, but I might drop it after – there’s too much other good TV on that I could be watching.
Barbara shows up at Jim’s place to tell him that she’s better now and to helpfully recognize The Lady (aka my idol) and immediately deduce that he’s working on the Wayne murders. Jim kicks Barbara out so he and Harvey can bro down and eat pizza together (obviously the better choice.)
Since Jim isn’t a cop any more, he decides to Get Shit Done by reaching into the “whammy drawer” (God bless you, Harvey Bullock, you giant salted ham hock of perfection) and beat the fuck out of scumbags to the tune of Sid Vicious’s “My Way.”
Meanwhile, Bruce is in WayneCave playing with Microsoft Word and pretending like he’s the first person who ever figured out how to use the calendar wizard.
Alfred, who infuriatingly switches between the Guy Who Wants Bruce to Become A Revenge-Crazed Killer and Guy Who Thinks Bruce Should Be Patient and Wait At Home For The Police To Do Justice decides that Bruce really shouldn’t go running after Karen Jennings because jumping to conclusions is not a good thing. Bruce doesn’t listen and they drive off to wherever it was that Bruce fell down that ravine back in season 1. They find a girl with a…LIZARD HAND! Here’s a clip from when she attacked Alfred:
Come to find out Karen was a former occupant of Blackgate prison. She killed her dad because he used to beat on her for having a deformed arm (? What? Sure, ok, Gotham. Make sure you miss no opportunity to explain how your universe is, without a doubt, the darkest timeline.) Some scientist came to her and offered to fix her, but he gave her a raptor claw instead. She…escaped? Or was taken to this shed by Thomas Wayne? Something. All I know is this girl has been hiding in this shed for 10 years and the only person who came to visit was Thomas Wayne, who would bring her gifts of music boxes and lizard hand cream. I’m sure keeping a girl in a remote cabin was only for her safety and not because he was into lizard handjobs.
Tell me about it, ladies.
Since Bruce is terrible at things like keeping the people around him alive (he gets better though, right? Let’s ask Jason Todd.) he’s led a bunch of super fit and sexy assassins (sent by Hugo Strange!) to the handjob cabin. Alfred kills them all and they run to Commissioner Ben Grimm. We all know this Red
Hood Shirted Lizard Hand won’t last the episode.
Jim has located The Lady. She’s hanging out in a ladies only club, but Jim was too dumb to do the proper investigative work to figure that out.
Luckily, Barbara has followed him to the bar and times his realization that he’s at a chicks only bar to her reveal of a dress that makes her boobs look weird. She’ll go talk to The Lady for Jim and get intel like she’s a Sons of Anarchy character doing whatever they do when they aren’t fucking Jax or yelling at Clay. Having Barbara talk to The Lady is actually a better idea than Jim’s original plan – “stick a gun in [The Lady’s] face and have her beg me not to pull the trigger.” How does this jive with the man we saw last episode who was hell bent on clearing his name and doing right by his promise to help Bruce Wayne find justice? How does this show us any character growth from the man of the winter finale who killed another man in cold blood? I’m not sure why the writers think more “JIM GORDON DOING ANYTHING FOR JUSTICE INCLUDING BREAKING THE LAW AND MURDERING PEOPLE AND JUST BARELY ESCAPING CONSEQUENCES!” is what this show needs. How about a Jim Gordon who actually learns from his mistakes? How about a Jim Gordon who is trying to atone for the murder of Galavan? Especially since he was erroneously sent to prison for the murder of a cop who died only because Nygma KNEW about the Galavan murder?
Barbara pretends to sell him out The Lady, only to double cross her. Jim makes Barbara feel good, not insane feelings or something equally as ridiculous. This is not something I care about, like Gina’s Opinion on Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
Barbara only became an interesting character after she killed her parents and let the fucked up murderer living under all that perfect girl oppression out to wreck havoc. Tying her actions back to Jim walks a line that might just put her back into the season one box where she was literally the most boring, pointless character on the show (remember when she cheated on Jim with Renee Montoya and was into drugs? Neither does the show. In fact, they wrote Montoya off after that disaster of a storyline.) Barbara’s absence from the Drag Of A Girlfriend role meant the position was open, and, sadly, Leslie ended up being this season’s Pointless Love Interest who is now off having dead baby sads in the south. I’d really like it if we didn’t have to have a Sexy Lamp Love Interest on the show anymore.
Jim gets a call from Bruce and he goes to meet him at the police station. Commissioner Ben Grimm is throwing Lizard Hand in jail, which will get her killed. So Bruce, Jim, and Alfred decide to break her out of jail. Bruce tried to explain what was going on to Commissioner Ben Grimm, but he doesn’t believe him even though this prisoner who has been missing for 10 years reappeared with a fucking LIZARD HAND. She’s part T-Rex and Ben Grimm is all “I’s made of stone, so thems the breaks, kiddo.”
The jailbreak is ridiculous. Jim gets Bruce to get a shit ton of money and leaves it in the middle of the road. The driver of the transport van, instead of thinking that this is most likely a trap he should avoid, jumps out of the van to take the money. Alfred and Jim knock out the other guard just in time for Mr. Freeze to show up. Lizard Hand decides now is a good time to tell Bruce that his dad was really special and just loved him some scratchy hjs. She hugs Bruce and lets Freeze freeze her and shatter her into a million pieces. Bruce screams “NOT THE HAND! MY DAD LOVED THAT HAND!” as Jim pushes him to the ground. Later, after Bruce has gotten over the loss of his father’s favorite appendage, they discover that The Philosopher is Hugo Strange and Hugo Strange was BFFs with Thomas Wayne. DUN DUN DUN!!!!
Oh, and Galavan has been reanimated into ZombieGalavan. This show wrote a zombie into the world and didn’t use Solomon Grundy? For shame!
Galavan is murdering fools and screaming about Azrael. If they don’t break out the 90s pointy belt costume, I am going to be very disappointed. I mean, if you’re gonna go full nutball, GO FULL NUTBALL.