Just like Gwen and Gavin? You mean on the outs and getting a messy public divorce?
Oh, to read this episode’s title through the lens of the time I currently live in! It would mean Rory and Smarmy are on the outs and we’ll never see his smug rich punching bag of a face ever again. Unfortunately, we need to read it through the lens of the time it was written, which means two people are going to stay in a relationship that will eventually combust. (This could also apply to Luke and Lorelai, who forgot how to talk to each other once they started dating.)
This episode starts with a twee “waking everyone up at 3 a.m. for a town meeting!” premise. Who the fuck would get up at 3 a.m. for a town meeting about a carnival? A 3 a.m. town meeting about the meteor that is going to hit the Earth and destroy it, yes. A carnival? Send me a fucking email, man. I’ll read it in the morning.
Did Daniel Palladino write this episode?
Answers that question.
I had noticed that the uber twee stuff that I really didn’t like was usually written by Daniel, and then one of the guests on the Gilmore Guys podcast said the exact same thing. I thought it was just me! No. It is not just me. Not being an adorkable Zoe Deschanel type who can wear petticoats over jeans while riding a 1973 beach cruiser bike, I am not one for pointlessly wacky twee bullshit.
Lorelai is energized by her lack of sleep while Luke has become a Cranky Zombie With a Secret. What are you doing today, Cranky Zombie With a Secret? Oh, nothing. Ordinary stuff! Definitely not spending time with the secret daughter I still haven’t told you about for no decernable reason whatsoever!
Smarmy is sending Rory all the flowers in an attempt to win her back. This upsets Paris because she assumes poor women never get flowers from their boyfriends. (Also, I’m kind of uncomfortable with the term “doo-wop group” being used to describe the guys hanging out on the stoop downstairs…) Smarmy also decides that he needs to buy Rory a coffee cart that will follow her around school all day. This is so much better than sending a heartfelt apology letter along with all those flowers.
Luke meets with Poochie in the park and she’s ridiculously smart and nerdy. Why are all the kids in this show super smart and wise beyond their years? Where’s the normal kid who isn’t some sort of high IQ genius? Where is the Bruce Wayne from the Gotham TV show who thinks he’s smart but is actually so naive he tries to pay gangsters with checks? Where are the dumb kids, is what I’m asking.
Poochie wants to visit Luke at the diner, which is a problem because Luke hasn’t told Lorelai she exists yet. So he calls Proto Lorelai (she’s a Cool Mom, guys! She and her daughter are BEST FRIENDS who are quirky and like to joke around together! Why, I bet they only eat crap and mainline coffee! The two mother options on this show are Strict Crazy Woman a la Mrs. Kim and Judgy WASP Mom, or Super Cool Fun Funky Mom like Lorelai and Proto Lorelai. In Between Regular Mom isn’t an option.)
Luke isn’t lucky enough to get out of hanging out with Poochie all day, so I’m assuming he’s just going to throw a dishtowel on top of her whenever Lorelai comes in for coffee so she doesn’t catch on.
“What weird creepy kid behind the plants? Oh, that? It’s nothing. It’s certainly not my secret daughter!” – Luke, probably
There’s some nonsense about a “Doggy Swami” and I really hope it’s this dog:
CORGI!!!!! Oh my god. CORGI!!!!!
I’m obsessed with corgis. I think they are the cutest, most adorable dogs to ever squat their way across the planet. I am always looking for corgis in the wild, so much so that I have a name for it – Corgi Watch.
After the corgi leaves, Luke calls Lorelai and is all “HEY ARE YOU COMING OVER BECAUSE I NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO HIDE A CHILD-SIZED HUMAN FROM YOUR SIGHT WHEN YOU DO. I DON’T HAVE ANY PLANTS…CAN YOU BRING ONE OR MAYBE BLIND YOURSELF BEFORE COMING OVER???” Lorelai doesn’t find this at all strange because she lives in a universe where a power hungry madman forces the entire town out of bed at 3 a.m. for no reason and then he sneaks all over town making sure they’re doing things to his exacting standards. Having a boyfriend who is going to hide his secret child in a planter isn’t all that weird.
What’s going on with the hair on the lens on the bottom left of this scene?
Smarmy, who has never had a good idea in his life, goes to talk to Lorelai about his problems with Rory. Smarmy has decided to pull the old dude standby of refusing to actually listen to the woman who has told him no and instead bombard her with gifts and stupid shit until he wears her down. He wears Lorelai down, too, because she decides to go to the diner to tell Luke whatever bullshit plan Smarmy just relayed to her. Except – Poochie isn’t hidden under a stack of used napkins! OH NO! NOW WHAT WILL LUKE DO (besides be honest with his fiancee)?????
Lorelai discovers Poochie, Luke and Lorelai agree that the idea of Poochie is an objectively terrible one, and Lorelai leaves to go think about why Amy Sherman-Palladino thought this was a necessary development.
At the fair, Luke and Lorelai have a version of this conversation from Young Justice:
This is after Superman has discovered that someone has made a clone of him (Superboy). Superboy wants to get to know Superman, who he considers his father, but Superman is FREAKED OUT by this development. Batman, who has had his own surprise son dropped on him, is trying to talk some sense into the Man of Steel. (Fucking comic books, you guys. Also – THIS IS WHY I HATE SURPRISE KIDS IN ALL STORIES REGARDLESS OF MEDIUM. Side bar – fuck Damian Wayne. He’s the worst. #ComeAtMeBro)
Lorelai tells Luke she’s ok with the kid thing, and in his relief he decides to tell her that he’d also really love to postpone the wedding. Lorelai’s face says
But her mouth says “oh, yeah, good idea!” Too bad Lemonade wasn’t around when this was happening. Lorelai would probably take some serious strength from “Don’t Hurt Yourself.” (I want the lyric “You ain’t married to no average bitch, boy” engraved on my fucking tombstone.)