I think enough time has passed since I reviewed the objectively terrible “A Vineyard Valentine” episode that we can now move forward. We’ve all had enough time to process what happened, to feel our feelings, and to begin to heal. That episode can’t hurt us any more.
Our clean state begins with Lorelai reminding Luke that Rory somehow got herself on a “Young Voice of Journalism” panel. C-Money will be going to see it. It’s nice that he was never around for any significant events in his daughter’s life and “making good” means “going to Rory-specific events where Lorelai (who he wants to have sex with) will also be.” Such a good dad, you guys!
Before we can continue, we need to discuss this outfit:
What morphine-induced Karl Lagerfeld nightmare did this thing crawl out of? A button down shirt with a knit cropped shrug over it? That TIES UNDER THE BOOBS and has three quarter length sleeves? That’s the kind of thing you wear with a sundress when you think it’s going to get cold at night. You don’t wear it with a button down blouse. The only outfit that Rory has worn that is worst than this monstrosity is the mohair tanktop with leather straps she wore over a t-shirt during that scene where Poppa Smarmy told her she was a crap journalist.
Paris is still reeling from Rory becoming editor. To be fair to Paris, maybe she should have told her it happened before someone else did? Doyle, who has been suspiciously absent during Paris’s editor meltdown (you know, the time when we actually needed him), is here to tell us jokes about sleeping with Paris. Nothing like being the last guy on the scene and trying to find a unique angle, right Doyle?
Later, Rory is preparing for her panel thing while Smarmy complains about having to go to his sister’s wedding rehearsal. “I don’t like my sister’s friends!” he whines, as if none of us remember that he was sleeping with fleets of women just like his sister’s friends before he hooked up with Rory. Granted, that doesn’t mean he actually liked them. And to have to interact with them when he’s not trying to put his dick into one (or more) of their orifices? THE HUMANITY. Poor, poor Smarmy! Having to treat women as people and such. When will his suffering end?
At the panel, Lorelai and C-Money spend time eating milk duds like this is a movie theater and hating on the one black guy on the entire panel. After, they talk about how smart their kid is because the show must constantly remind us the Rory is the smartest smart to ever smart and forgetting that would be not smart. C-Money then complains about how hard it is to be a single parent. Instead of letting him deal with the realities of parenting on his own (you know, the ones he left her to deal with alone when Rory was growing up), Lorelai, Cool Girl extraordinaire, offers to watch his daughter for him. Lorelai is an idiot.
When Lorelai watches C-Money’s other daughter, she’s disappointed to learn that GiGi isn’t another Rory. She’s a nightmare hell child that is exactly the kind of child that people are thinking of when people say they don’t like children. Now it makes sense why all the nannies walk off the job – Gigi is the worst.
On the day of Smarmy’s sister’s wedding, Rory gets roped in to hanging out with the bride and her bridesmaids. Is this what it’s like to be a member of a wedding party if you are popular and/or attractive? Ugly velour tracksuits for everyone? Bride freaking out over her marriage? Constant worry about how thin everyone is? My wedding was a lot different (and I’ve don’t have friends so I’ve never been asked to be a bridesmaid.) For me, I had one bridesmaid (my sister) who wore whatever she wanted because I wanted her to like her dress. I didn’t freak out before the ceremony because I looked fat in my dress – of course I did, I was fat. And I didn’t have any second thoughts about marrying my husband. And I’ve never owned an item made of velour or that had words printed on the butt.
Once the bride leaves to take pictures, Rory learns that all the bridesmaids have slept with Smarmy at some point. And all around the time Rory and Smarmy were broken up!
Side note – This bridesmaid says she looks like RuPaul:
For comparison: This is RuPaul:
Bitch, you should be so lucky.
I have watched every single season of RuPaul’s Drag Race (including the first or “lost” season) and I would be elated if I looked like a drag queen. Most every beauty trend of the last decade has come out of the drag community (hello, contouring!) I mean, look at how gorgeous Raven is in this video:
It hurts me to look at her, that’s how beautiful she is.
Side note – Rory’s dress is not cute. Maybe it’s the color?
After learning about Smarmy’s wandering dick, Rory stays in the dressing room to mope through the ceremony.When Smarmy finally finds her, he tries to tell her that since they were broken up he didn’t cheat on her. I’m sure Rory will come around to his way of thinking in a few episodes when the show decides that they need to be back together.
Back in Stars Hollow, Lane is posting flyers around town advertising herself as a drummer for hire. She posts one in the music show where Zach is doing his best Deliverance impression. Zach, always the professional musician, stops in the middle of his song to read Lane’s flyer. He doesn’t take this opportunity to run after Lane and talk to her. Nope. That would be the normal, human thing. Zach is nether normal nor human. As we see in his next scene, where he crashes a Grease-themed bat mitzvah to talk to Gil and Brian. Gil decides to tell the bat mitzvah girl what turns guys on and he is not automatically tackled by the parents in the room. They decide to get the band back together and they need Zach to talk Lane into it.
Zach shows up to the diner looking like a guy who heard a rockstar described by a man with a limited grasp on the English language.
He asks Lane to marry him and she says yes. NO! NO! LANE! NO! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY FROM THE LIFE RUINER!!!
When C-Money comes to collect his unholy spawn from Lorelai’s ruined home, he gets pissed off because she dared to tell him that his satan child needs to hear the word “no” now and then. Later, C-Money calls to tell Lorelai that he finally understands how she felt about him after he bailed on her and Rory. Plus one for growth, C-Money. But minus a million for being you. Lorelai, who is an established idiot, offers to help Gigi be less terrible. Dude. I get you want to help. But HE HAS TO FIX THIS ON HIS OWN. He’s a grown man and he will figure it out. Lesson #1 for all women everywhere – let men fix their own fucking problems. Do not do it for them.
Back at Yale, Rory deals with her breakup by getting drunk at a bar. This is a much better choice than stealing a yacht. She runs into Doyle, who is also drunk, and they commiserate about their shitty relationships. Paris threw Doyle out, so Rory goes to Paris’s place in hopes that she can crash there for the night. Paris thinks Rory actually cared about her feelings. LOL. Paris, have you met Rory? She is the most selfish person on this show.
Paris and Rory patch things up and its decided that Rory will move back into the apartment. Then they eat all the chinese food.
I’m going to leave this review with some RuPaul quotes that I feel are words to live by:
- We’re all born naked and the rest is drag
- Unless they gonna pay your bills, pay them bitches no mind
- If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love someone else?
Take us home, Ru.