It’s Lane’s wedding day! Already! Today’s the day she throws her life away by marrying Zach, the guy who really isn’t anything to write home about!
Lorelai brings Lane’s dress to her. It’s her wedding day and she hasn’t seen it let alone tried it on. But ok. Let’s pretend that’s a thing a bride would want. She hasn’t told anyone she purposely ruined the dress and tries to pass off her complete redesign as “a few alterations.” She presents Lane with something that looks like a giant Victorian infant’s dressing gown.
Huh. I’ve mentioned that my wedding dress was pretty ugly and I was, without question, The Ugliest Bride, but…even my dress was prettier than this. Sorry Lane.
Mrs. Kim doesn’t notice the huge disparity in dresses because someone died making kim chi in the kitchen. Lane seems happy. Hey, here’s a question – Where the hell is Rory? Isn’t she supposed to be Lane’s best friend? Shouldn’t she be doing all the maid of honor things for the bride, even if it’s just getting her a cup of coffee from Luke’s or chatting with her to keep her from being a nervous wreck?
Rory’s at the paper doing Editor Things when Riki Lindhome and That Other Girl prance into the newsroom with a “great idea” to fly to Costa Rica. They’re going to “dress up like natives in grass skirts with coconut bras” and meet the boys at the end of their river rafting trip. (Spoiler – Costa Ricans have nothing to do with grass skirts and coconut bras.) Rory says no to cultural appropriation.
Back in Stars Hollow, Michele sets the time line of the show straight – Lane isn’t getting married today, she’s getting married tomorrow. There’s still time, Lane! RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND! Lorelai is taking Michele to the wedding as her date because Mrs. Kim insisted that she be escorted by a man. She can’t take Luke because he’s still out of town on the longest field trip. Are we sure it isn’t a child abduction? Maybe Luke and Poochie joined a cult for smart kids and they all live on a farm and worship an molecule named Molly the Master. They’re waiting for a comet with the correct elements to enter the atmosphere and then they’re all going to kill themselves by reciting pi until they drop from exhaustion.
Lorelai has to bring a man to the wedding because Lane’s grandmother is coming to the wedding. She’s a devout Buddhist who doesn’t know that Mrs. Kim is a Christian. This is a great piece of character for Mrs. Kim and nice background for Lane and Mrs. Kim’s relationship.
This is every bartender’s worst nightmare:
The dreaded bachelorette party. I hope Sookie brought along her jumbo cock cookies. The girls are going to go see American Gigolo just so they can see one penis on the big screen. This is a good opportunity for me to talk about an issue that is near and dear to my heart: Equal representation of wang in entertainment. How many movies have I seen over my lifetime that feature boobs, lady ass, and sometimes full bush? SO MANY. These are just regular movies, too. But penis? Barely any. Not even Magic Mike has naked dick in it! MAGIC MIKE! A movie that, by definition, should have a least one shot of Big Dick Richie without his briefs on. Movies should make an effort to show as much male full frontal nudity as they do female full frontal. It’s only fair. Equal representation is for men, too! And it will prevent scores of bachelorette parties from watching American Gigolo just to see one shot of a wang for 15 seconds.
Sookie misread the time of the movie so they missed it. No wang for them. Now Lane has to see her first penis on her wedding night. They run into Zach and all his friends – everything closes early in Stars Hollow so they’re going to go hang out in Brian’s aunt’s basement. The girls go with them.
Michele bails on the wedding because his friend got him a front row ticket to Celine Dion. Lorelai, who is dressed like a bridesmaid, is reduced to taking C-Money to the wedding. Fucking Sidekicks. This is all their fault. Why didn’t Lorelai just go alone and pull out some quip about wanting to start a second career as a call girl if and when Mrs. Kim confronted her about it?
Lane is having a Buddhist wedding because of her grandmother. I’m surprised Mrs. Kim isn’t having a fit – her daughter getting married outside a Christian ceremony? Their wedding night sex will be immoral and improper! Grandma Kim freaks out at the wedding for some unknown reason and Zach doesn’t seem to have any of his own family at the wedding at all. The grandmother leaves and everyone has to run to the church for the real wedding (that answers my question!)
Before the wedding, Mrs. Kim sits Lane down and tells her about the “terrible things” she’ll have to do to fulfill her wifely duties. Poor Mrs. Kim. Poor Mr. Kim. No wonder he ran off and became Kirk.
Shout out to Gil’s wedding outfit! Is that a leather blazer? I think it is!
Lorelai and C-Money waste time looking for a bar instead of taking three seconds to think about who is throwing this wedding. It’s a dry wedding, guys! At least until Mrs. Kim and her guests leave.
When flipping through pictures at the wedding, Lorelai learns about Rory meeting Poochie in Philadelphia. In response, she gets a million shots of tequila and does them with C-Money. Then she decides to give a toast. Oh boy. We all know how well drunken toasts from hurt women go on TV shows.
Rory and C-Money get Lorelai home and Rory has to leave because Smarmy was hurt in Costa Rica. Ooo…I hope he’s dead.