I have had the entire weekend to myself as my husband has been tied up with work stuff, so I did the most stereotypical thing a lady can possibly do – I went shopping. I am here to inform you that I have singlehandedly purchased all the things available for purchase, thus bringing about an end to consumerism.
I’m just kidding. I barely bought anything because Shopping While Fat is a fool’s errand. Hey fat girl, you need a new top for work? You can choose from this neon green lycra tanktop featuring a bedazzled cow wearing sunglasses, or this grandma top that is literally a styrofoam cooler with sleeves glued to it. “But I’m looking for a blouse or cardigan that’s cut with a larger bust in mind.” HAHAHAHAHAHHA, you delusional idiot! Can I interest you in some shoes? Jewelry? Handbags? That’s all that gonna fit you here. (Spoiler – I bought a purse.)
Let us turn our attentions away from my life and back to the strange tale of two mutant women who never gain weight while eating enough high fructose corn syrup to send 15 elephants into cardiac arrest. Simultaneous cardiac arrest.
I was listening to the Gilmore Guys podcast for last episode and I was surprised they had such a positive view of Proto Lorelai’s insane stance on Poochie never meeting anyone she (or Luke) dates. Yes, the scene itself was great because it was a serious conversation between two grown women who both have valid points, but Proto Lorelai is delusional if she thinks never introducing her kid to a guy she dated for years is going to keep that child from harm. If anything, it’s going to be more of an issue when you have to explain to your child that you lied to them for years because you couldn’t bear the thought of being honest with them about a huge part of your life.
Luke calls Lorelai to see what she’s been up to – she’s been MIA since the conversation with Proto Lorelai. She lies and says she can’t see him because of a staff meeting, because god forbid Lorelai tell Luke the truth about anything without having to go through some huge emotional drama first. Side note: How the hell does anyone cook anything in Sookie’s kitchen? There is not one centimeter of available counter space.
I get anxiety just looking at that picture.
Kirk’s growing a beard…? Dude, I have more facial hair than this motherfucker:
I like his shark shirt. While Kirk shows off his new beard, Liz appears to tell Luke she’s pregnant! And the TJ left her! Wait…what? Why did TJ leave her? That doesn’t make any sort of sense from what we know about TJ’s character. He’s a big dumb idiot but he doesn’t seem like the type to up and leave his pregnant wife.
Unfortunately, Smarmy has been released from the hospital. Rory is having Paris and Doyle watch him because she’s afraid he’ll drunk tap dance on his bad leg. He’s not hurt that badly – when Doyle goes to help him to the bathroom you can see clearly Matt Czuchry take the first step down the series of stairs leading to the bed with his “bad” leg. EL. OH. EL.
Lorelai gets a call from her mother and father. Judgy WASP Mom’s eye surgery went wrong and Spacey Grandpa had to go out-of-town on business so Emily is currently completely blind and staggering around their home. Spacey Grandpa didn’t call Lorelai earlier because meetings. It is with this moment that Spacey Grandpa truly reveals himself to be a terrible husband. First, the only reason that work should come before taking care of your BLIND WIFE is when you’re the president of a country or if you’re a cop/firefighter/doctor/nurse. Nothing in the corporate world is so important that you need to leave your family member when they truly need it (obviously this does not apply to extended caregiving situations for chronically ill persons. You gotta eat, so you gotta work.) Second, the call to get someone to stand in for you while you abandon your loved one shouldn’t be made AFTER you get on the plane! That’s the call you make before you leave! And then you don’t leave until that other person is physically on site to provide care. I really can’t believe how callous he is about this. I guess the lesson here is even if you are married or have children, you cannot be certain those people will come through for you in your time of need. (I hope you’re taking notes, Proto Lorelai.)
Lorelai has to drive her mother around in the SUV Jay-Z rents when he comes to town. Jay-Z is from New York. I’m sure he doesn’t need to rent an SUV in Hartford, a city that is not far from New York. UNRELATED TANGENT: Here’s a sentence – I was in a Starbucks the other day and Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love” came on (featuring Jay-Z.) At the very beginning he says “It’s your girl, B/It’s your boy, Young” and I thought “Is Jay-Z still allowed to call himself “Young”? Like, if they released that song today, would he have to say “It’s your girl, B/It’s your boy, middle aged”?
While Lorelai chauffeurs her mother about town, Judgy WAP Mom uses the opportunity to talk about how C-Money needs a girlfriend. ‘Kay. I’m sure I don’t care. Lorelai does because Lorelai needs something to focus on to take her mind off her terrible relationship with the World’s Dumbest Diner Owner.
Luke tracks TJ down at a bar and announces that he wants to fight him. He walks into the bar and is all, “TJ. I WOULD LIKE TO FIGHT YOU. PREPARE FOR A PUNCH TO THE FACE. IT IS FORTHCOMING POST HASTE.” And TJ is all, “…ok.”
Turns out Liz threw TJ out because she’s worried she’s going to fuck up this kid the way she fucked up Broody. Don’t worry, Liz! if you fuck the kid up you’ll just get retconned in a future episode to make it seem like run of the mill dysfunction! Then Luke sits down and goes Dr. Phil on TJ to explain everything he thinks he knows about relationships.
Later, he goes back to the diner where Liz is holding court with all the harpies she knows. They’re all complaining about how terrible their ex-husbands are, like life is a sitcom or a laundry detergent commercial. Luke tells Liz that she’s going to be a great mom and that she should go apologize to TJ. She does. Finally! Someone on this damn show took the advice they were given!
After a long day of driving Judgy WASP Mom around, Lorelai and Judgy WASP Mom end up in a real estate office looking at pictures of a house. Instead of explaining why they’re there, Judgy WASP Mom insists Lorelai tell her what she thinks of the house they’re looking at. It’s gorgeous. It really is.
Judgy WASP Mom and Spacey Grandpa want to buy it for Luke and Lorelai. I’d love to live in a house like that. Of course, I live in Southern California where 2 bedroom bungalows with foundation problems go for upwards of $750k, so that’s never going to happen. Neither is Luke and Lorelai’s wedding.
At this point, I should be very upset by this lack of Luke/Lorelai wedded bliss. It’s been inevitible since episode one that they were going to be together for the long haul. But after all the communication problems for literally no reason, I don’t care if they ever end up together. Fuck it. They’re both idiots.
There’s some drama with an interview Poppa Smarmy gave to the Wall Street Journal and Rory. He said that he gave her an internship and now Rory is editor of the Yale Daily News. Both of those things are accurate. He just left out the part where he told her she sucked and how she stumbled into being editor because no one in the newsroom understood what a “majority” meant. This is not a plot that actually matters.
The less said about the “Jackson & Sookie Have Weed” story, the better.