I cannot believe I made it all the way to Season 7! You guys! Season 7! 22 more reviews and I’m officially done with this project (though I’ll probably review the revival as well.)
Honestly, I’m not sure how to feel about this show going into Season 7. Season 6 was very difficult because basically every character that I liked ended up acting like a complete asshole by the end of the season. I don’t know what to expect with this season. I don’t even know what I want from this season. No more Poochie, I guess?
The final season of the series starts with Rory opening a present that Smarmy left for her. It’s a rocket. Why?
Lorelai wakes up in C-Money’s bed after ruining her relationship with Luke. She does the run of shame back to her place, where Babette has been watching Paul Anka. Not because she was asked to watch Paul Anka, but because she heard about what happened between Luke and Lorelai. The dialogue here is strange – you can tell they’re trying to write in the voice of the previous six seasons and falling flat.
Paris has decided to start tutoring high school kids for their SATs. We know Paris hates people. Paris knows she hates people. This will have a good outcome. Paris then asks Rory if she and Smarmy had set any boundaries for when he’s in London. I don’t think Paris would actually care about this, but she’s not wrong. Long distance relationships are hard. And while I don’t see Rory as the type of person to be ok with having an open relationship, I can’t see Smarmy existing without some sort of sexual contact for months on end. As much as I hate Smarmy, that’s not wrong. Lying about those needs and cheating on his girlfriend is wrong. Communicating with that girlfriend and coming to an agreement is not. (Though I doubt any “agreement” forged by Smarmy would be anything other than a manipulation.)
Back in Stars Hollow, someone who looks like Lorelai but doesn’t sound like Lorelai is trying to get to work. She’s wearing a terrible outfit. It doesn’t even match!
Luke drives up to talk to her and her mismatched outfit about their fight. She tells him it’s over and drives off.
At the inn, we learn that Sookie keeps all her vegetables in the sink.
They do not wash dishes at the inn, they throw them all away. You know how The Simpsons has the great Springfield tire fire? Stars Hollow has the great Dish Tower.
Lorelai tells Sookie that she’s done with Luke. They had The Fight and then she hit that C-Money schlong like she was trying to break it. And while Lorelai has a million genuine reasons for why she and Luke should be over (besides the cheating,) there’s one huge problem: She never told Luke how much the Poochie situation was bothering her. She let him do whatever he wanted and she never spoke up to tell him that she wanted to be involved in their lives. Yes, Luke was completely wrong to keep Lorelai that far outside his life. But, shit, Lorelai never shuts the fuck up and this one situtation is the one where she decided she should keep her mouth shut? This is the time where she didn’t have ANYTHING to say? And now she’s mad about it? Lorelai, honey, you should have used your words.
Rory comes to the inn because she can’t stand life without Smarmy. Ugh. That’s the most depressing sentence I’ve ever written and I’ve written an entire short story collection with palpable dread (unintentionally!) threaded throughout. Since the girls don’t want to talk about the problems in their lives, they go to play racquetball. They play like I would:
After talking about Smarmy’s rocket (not a euphemism) they actually try to play racquetball. Lorelai whacks herself in the eye with a ball because she’s suddenly on a completely different kind of TV show than she has been for the past six years.
Speaking of being in a different show: Kirk drives Taylor’s car into Luke’s diner. Between seasons we’ve taken a turn into zany screwball comedy land!
Rory cares more about what’s going on with her and Smarmy than she does about her mother and Luke, so Lorelai tells her to go to London and shut the fuck up. That’s what I would have said, anyway.
As Lorelai is coming to terms with having to get rid of everything she owns and possibly burn her bedding, C-Money calls. He says “I had a really great time last night.” Do people actually say that to other people after they’ve fucked? It sounds kind of gross? Like you’re calling a prostitute to set up another date but you don’t want to say anything in case her line has been tapped. C-Money offers to make Lorelai dinner and she’s like, “Ew, no!”
Rory has finally figured out Smarmy’s rocket thing. She spends about 15 minutes after when the episode should have ended explaining to Lorelai what it means. Look, if you’re writing a television show and you have a plot device that you haven’t spent any onscreen time building up, and in order for the audience to understand it you need 15 minutes of exposition, CUT THAT DEVICE. It’s not worth it, the payoff won’t be there, and, worse, no one will care.
When Rory calls Smarmy to tell him she’s coming to London, he immediately tells her he’s got her Christmas plane ticket in hand. Instead of saying “Great, but how about I come visit now on my dime?” she just lets him talk over her and never expresses what she wants or how she’s feeling. Like mother, like daughter.
The next morning Luke shows up at Lorelai’s with a truck full of crap and a plan to take Lorelai to get married. He says “I did some research, we can even use a sea captain” to marry them, as if he didn’t already do that when he married that lawyer lady. She tells him she boned C-Money.
What would she have said to all of this if she didn’t make the rash decision to take a ride on the C-Money express? Probably still no.
This is going to be a long season.