Luke punches C-Money in the face during the cold open. Review’s over! Nothing left to say! Thanks for reading!
I’ve mentioned that I think Luke has serious anger issues before. This just cements that. He’s got a serious problem that, were he a real person, would be cause for concern. If he were real I’d be worried he was an episode of Forensic Files waiting to happen. Like, he stabbed Lorelai 904 times with a butcher knife and then cut her into tiny pieces and dropped her into the fryalator. No one could prove he killed her until a team of forensic experts tested a microscopic fingernail found in the fryalator filter.
Rory wakes up and is too embarrassed to tell her mom that she’s in a relationship with a man she can’t talk to about simple things, let alone big ones.
TJ is going to help Luke rebuild the diner before Kirk steals all his customers away for good (I’m surprised Taylor allows Kirk to operate an eating establishment when it’s obviously not up to any sort of code.) Luke is in a mood but he manages to look really good in nothing but a t-shirt and jeans:
Damn men and their shoulder to waist ratios! Gets me every time! Too bad he’s a bloodthirsty murderer.
Lane is back from her honeymoon (which was awful) and she and Rory go for a walk to talk about how terrible sex is. Lane is convinced that every other woman besides her mother has been lying about sex being a pleasurable experience for women. Oh, Lane. I knew Zach was going to be shit in bed, but now I just want to hug her. She didn’t try before she bought and now she’s stuck with bad sex. Forever.
As she tells Rory why she thinks sex is bad, it becomes obvious that the problem is not sex, it was the sex she tried to have. First, your first time is almost always terrible. Second, any sex that looks cool on TV is usually a nightmare in real life. Especially sex on the beach! Sand. Wildlife. Random pervs. Sunshine. The temperature. I’ve never had sex on a beach but it sounds like a logistical nightmare – think of all the things you need to have lined up in order for that to be pleasurable. You’d need some guarantee that the place you pick isn’t grossly uncomfortable yet secluded enough to afford privacy. It couldn’t be too hot or too cold, because either would be a buzzkill. You need to pick the right time of day – too close to low tide and you may have to deal with all sorts of weird bugs and wildlife out to feed. Then, there’s the sand aspect. How can you guarantee that you keep your orifices as clear of sand as possible when it sticks to everything? How many towels or blankets will you need? If you’re using a condom, how many extra condoms do you need in case sand gets stuck to your first one? Basically, if you aren’t a planner, don’t even bother.
Lorelai and Luke run into each other in the middle of town. Luke tells Lorelai that he punched C-Money and then he says that he doesn’t care that they aren’t getting married. Since she proposed, it should matter more to her than it does to him anyway.
Luke then tells TJ that he and Lorelai broke up. TJ jumps on him like a drunk dude hugging chicks at a music festival.
Meanwhile, Lorelai has decorated the entire house in generic Asian elements so Rory can get a taste of what she would be seeing if she actually traveled abroad. This is….kinda racist? Maybe not even kinda? It’s at least culturally insensitive.
While this weird pod version of Lorelai tries (and fails) to explain the plot of Enter the Dragon (which REAL Lorelai would totally know), C-Money calls and leaves a message about Luke punching him in the face. Rory freaks out after she figures out her parents slept together and starts blaming Lorelai for ruining her relationship with C-Money. However, we all know that Rory’s not actually angry at her mother. She’s still mad at Smarmy for sleeping with an entire wedding party about 15 seconds after they “broke up.”
Rory runs over to Lane’s house to talk about her mom and Lane tells her she’s pregnant. Lane has had sex one time, on her honeymoon, which was less than two weeks earlier. Even if she did manage to get pregnant that one time, there’s no way she’d be producing enough pregnancy hormones for a pregnancy test to pick up. I don’t think a blood test could even tell this early in the game. (Side note – TV makes getting pregnant look so easy. Maybe for some women it is. But it’s not that easy for many, many women. Some women have a really hard time. I wish someone would have told me that when I was younger.)
Luke is having dinner with his (pregnant!) sister and TJ. Liz points out that no one is surprised that he and Lorelai are broken up because he didn’t act like an actual human and inform his fiance of his secret daughter. Oh that. That thing normal people do.
Liz’s oven is broken so Luke goes to the store to get some food. Lorelai is there, too. But…where is there? Where the hell is this place?
This isn’t Doosey’s, which is, to my knowledge, the only market in town. They say they’re just avoiding Doosey’s, but that doesn’t answer the question of where this came from and how long it has existed in Stars Hollow.
Luke says they aren’t right for each other which makes Lorelai go home and cry. Rory comforts her.
I guess the only good thing about this show being taken over by someone who isn’t a Palladino is now we have a much more traditional story focus and pacing for the episodes. However, it doesn’t fit what came before it, so it’s jarring as hell. It also erases what made this show unique and special – now it’s just another drama about a single mom and her relationship problems. Why should any of us care when it’s been done (better) other places?