Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 7, Episode 3 “Lorelai’s First Cotillion”

I’ve spent more time than I care to calculate writing about this show. Even after all of that time, I don’t think I could categorize myself as a Gilmore Girls fan. I don’t dislike the show, but I’m not captured by it in the way so many people have been throughout the years. Having said that, it’s obvious that whatever made this show special is gone in season 7. Maybe it’ll get better?

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I’m of the mind that TV shows should be conceived and pitched with a hard end date in mind. Go in for four seasons, tell the story you want to tell, and get out. I think we’re seeing that a lot of TV that is conceptualized with a driving story in mind at the beginning ends up being far superior to shows that don’t have this planning and foresight. How many shows have we watched through the years that start off great and then take a hard left into suckville while refusing to give it up? (The X-Files, I’m looking at you.)

It’s time for another Friday Night Dinner at the Gilmore house. As usual, Lorelai doesn’t want to attend, but she’s acting like she just had a fight with her parents instead of her usual “complaining for complaining sake” malaise. When they finally go inside, they discover that Emily has a child slave working for her who could make a cocktail faster than Tom Cruise in Cocktail.

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This was a movie. A very popular movie.

The cold open ends on the line “Mrs. Gilmore warned me you’d be full of smart remarks.” How is that an out line to any scene that’s ever been filmed? How is that a FUNNY out line? This scene could have been so much better if they had cut some of the back and forth between Rory and Lorelai outside, and then moved the explanation of why the girl was at the dinner, and then had the out line be Lorelai’s “nothing for you, you’re driving” comment with a shot of Emily rolling her eyes. It wouldn’t have been perfect, but it would have been better. And it would have felt more like the Gilmore Girls of seasons past.

The Elder Gilmores could not give two shits that Lorelai broke up with Luke. They bought them a house. A house with land. And yet they don’t care because they don’t think they could say the right thing? When has fear of not saying the right thing kept Judgy WASP Mom from saying anything? Lorelai, who two seconds ago didn’t want to talk about her breakup, decides to make the entire dinner about her breakup and pick every fight she can think of with her parents. I suppose we’re all supposed to be mortified because there is a guest at the table, but this could have been done (and has been done on this very show) without the device of an additional person present to up the awkwardness.

Later, Smarmy calls Rory. He wakes her up just to make sure she knows he’s too busy to talk to her. Great. Send an email next time, ass.

Lorelai is having a crisis of Emily and believes she likes everything because her mother hates it. Isn’t that how parent/child relationships are supposed to work?

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Judgy WASP Mom has decided to bring all her child servants to the inn to watch her eat and then laugh at their misfortune, Dickens style.

Rory is working for Paris at her SAT prep thing because the show has completely forgotten that Rory secured herself a job at the Stanford paper way back in season 6.

Is Paris’s hair lighter?

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She thinks Rory and Smarmy should participate in sexting. If Rory was dating anyone other than Smarmy, I would agree. Smarmy is terrible and does not deserve to participate in the joy that is sexting with your long distance partner. Or so I’ve heard…

Lane tells Zach she’s pregnant. They only had sex three weeks ago. Even the super sensitive tests have a hard time identifying pregnancy that soon before a missed period. But, again, WHATEVER. It’s super easy to get pregnant! You know you’re pregnant immediately! No one ever has to spend time peeing on ovulation tests or trying to track their basal body temperature on TV! No one on TV owns this fucking book:

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No one on TV ever has to think about asking their husband to jack it into a cup on a schedule! GETTING PREGNANT IS EASY ON TV!! WOO HOO!

Getting pregnant isn’t always easy in real life. Shout out to the ladies who can look at a dick wrong and get pregnant, but there are those of us out there who have done a lot of the trying and still haven’t found ourselves staring at two pink lines on a pregnancy test. My husband and I were supposed to start trying in January of 2014. He was diagnosed with cancer in November 2013. Fun fact – you can’t try for a baby when your husband has chemo drugs coursing through his body. He’s in remission now but we still haven’t been able to get the baby thing to happen. After going through all the testing and treatments with his cancer, we made the decision not to do the same with fertility. We can’t afford it – financially or emotionally. We’ve done some temperature tracking and ovulation testing to no avail. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe I don’t really want kids. I like them, but I watched some kids throw sand at each other on the beach the other day and found myself agitated as fuck. I wanted to yell “STOP IT! NO THROWING SAND!” at these kids because WHO LETS KIDS THROW SAND AT EACH OTHER FOR FUN??? THAT CAN SCRATCH A CORNEA! IT IS DANGEROUS! So, yeah. Maybe I’m better off without a baby. Besides, you can’t swear as much as I do and hang out with babies.

Zach storms off because it’s total bullshit that Lane is pregnant.

Judgy WASP Mom brings a flock of girls to the inn for their tea. One of them does the chicken dance on the way to the tables. We all love her instantly.

Rory and Lane go to the bookstore to read about babies and boning (not in the same book) but we can’t talk about that. We need to discuss whatever the fuck is going on with Rory’s eyebrows:

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Girl. No. They’re not even straight! What is happening here? I know it’s not 2016  in the world of the show and the Brow Craze has not yet taken over our every waking hour, but come on! We still had brow fashion back then! And brow edges were still even! it’s never been in vogue to look like you took a squiggle writer to your face.

Lorelai takes Michele to the cotillion because she owed him a favor. She wears the most low cut dress in existence that may not be appropriate for hanging out with kids? Maybe when you have small boobs all necklines are appropriate regardless of event or audience. Not so with biggins! Just nothing but people calling you a whore even when you’re wearing a fucking turtleneck. She and Michele dance and have “fun.”

Rory has gone out to dinner with C-Money, who is the only character on the show that sounds exactly like he did in previous seasons. Lorelai comes home while he’s still there. I am anti C-Money but then he goes and does this:

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Open collar with visible chest hair? Licking of the lips? Nice jacket with nice shirt? DAMN IT, C-MONEY. Don’t make me think you’re sexy. My recent existence is just me thinking men I don’t actually like are sexy as fuck (I see you, Ben Affleck).

Then he goes and tells Lorelai that he loves her and fucks up all the sexy. Men. If you had just had the coffee and shut up about feelings she probably would have fucked you, dude.

Later, Lorelai calls C-Money and Rory learns to sext with Smarmy.

All in all, this episode was better than the two before it. It’s still not the Gilmore Girls as we knew them, but it’s closer to that show than the previous episodes. Maybe it is getting better!

 

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One thought on “Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 7, Episode 3 “Lorelai’s First Cotillion”

  1. This may be way out of line, but have you looked into NFP, or more specifically the Billings Ovulation Method? It’s not fancy or expensive and there are no thermometers or cups, but what it will do is give you a teacher who can help you track your fertility and work out whether your cycle is unique and therefore may need a better understanding (rather than general society, who assumes that every woman gets her period like clockwork after 28 days or whatever). It’s totally noninvasive and can teach you so much! My husband and I are using it currently to avoid, but it’s had really good results with achieving pregnancy too.
    I really hope you get your baby eventually. 🙂

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