We start this episode with Lorelai and C-Money complaining about Snakes on a Plane. Man, that really takes us all back, doesn’t it? Back to when people thought the internet could be used for more than just posting cat gifs and yelling at those who don’t share our personal political beliefs. Back then, people thought crowdsourcing a movie and fill it with fan service would equal dollars. In a way, they weren’t wrong, but we all must remember that the internet cannot be trusted to do anything. Isn’t that right, Boaty McBoatface?
Lorelai and C-Money make out and send major “I want to pants dance with you” vibes at each other but they don’t pants dance because Rory is a major cock blocker. She tells Lorelai she wants her to be careful so she doesn’t get hurt again. Me too. You know what else I’d like? People to date different people than the ones they knew when they were in high school. Do you know how many men are in this world? So many men! So many men that aren’t C-Money!
At the diner, Proto Lorelai brings Luke about 19 binders full of Poochie details. There must be details in there on how to vanquish the evil dragon holding this show hostage. Proto Lorelai is going to Arizona to take care of Judgy WASP Mom’s twin sister (the only explanation for why Anna and Lorelai are clones of each other) and Poochie is going to stay with Luke.
At the inn, Sookie is drowning in a gourd tsunami and Lorelai is wearing a light purple (?) dress and a dark bra you can see through her dress:
Sookie and Lorelai snipe at each other because of Lorelai’s relationship (and also because very few people know how to write a female friendship that doesn’t devolve into catty remarks about how the other is a whorebitch.) Lorelai blows Sookie off because she smells like gourds and also because C-Money is holding his dick in front of her like it’s a carrot on a string.
Rory moves back into Smarmy’s apartment. She hasn’t been able to talk to him lately because he lives in a different time zone and is also terrible. Spacey Grandpa calls to tell her that he’ll be teaching a class at Yale and not doing business this season! RIP, Bob Executive!
When Proto Lorelai brings Poochie to the diner, she’s strangely ok with the rag-tag bunch of people Poochie will be hanging around for the next two weeks. Sure, Lorelai was unfit to throw a child’s birthday party, but hanging out with Kirk? Totally ok. (Side note – did Miss Patty lose some weight? She looks thinner in this scene.)
Luke takes Poochie into his Bachelor Den and she rightly points out that it is a despair pit painted the saddest shade of “I’ve given up” brown. She suggests going to Target and Luke says he’s never been. Fuck you, Luke. You’ve been to Target. Most everyone has been to Target. If Luke lived in the middle of a city and never had a car, I’d believe that maybe he’d never been to Target. But he doesn’t live in a city and he owns a car. (The hardest thing about living in Boston proper was lack of a Target. I had to spend more than I wanted on things like paper towels and laundry detergent and soap because there were no city Targets, just CVS where everything is 90% more expensive than it needs to be.)
Back at Yale, Paris is slamming the paper because she was able to work at some Hartford paper over the summer. She name checks InDesign and says: “At the Current they use InDesign to integrate the words into the photos!” First, am I supposed to believe a school with the resources of Yale hasn’t shelled out for Adobe InDesign? Especially if it’s industry standard? Second, Paris is that excited about text overlay? That’s not a big deal. You could do that with Microsoft Word 2003 (and probably earlier) by using a floating text box without a background fill.
C-Money picks Lorelai up for a very special date that ends up being watching Funny Face in a car. I do not find this as romantic as the show wants me to.
Meanwhile, Judgy WASP Mom gets pulled over for talking on her cell phone and she’s a total dick to the officer. Please note that she does not immediately get gunned down.
Rory has to go cover an art show where she meets Krysten Ritter. I miss Jessica Jones. And Don’t Trust the B- in Apartment 23. That was a seriously underrated show. It was funny and dark and had James Vanderbeek playing a fictionalized version of himself that sold jeans and used his Dawson’s Creek cred to get laid. Once the network started playing the episodes out-of-order, I knew it was doomed. (They’re still out of order on Netflix! WTF, Netflix?)
After the movie, Lorelai tells C-Money that she doesn’t want to sleep with him. Even if she did, she couldn’t, because she has to go bail Judgy WASP Mom out of jail. This is obviously the best thing that has never happened to Lorelai. Instead of being elated that one Emily Gilmore ended up in jail, C-Money is moping around like “Wah, my movie isn’t as cool as this, wah!” SHUT UP, YOU MAN-CHILD, YOU.
To make C-Money feel better about being “overshadowed” by the jail thing, Lorelai fucks him. Even though she already told him she doesn’t feel emotionally safe with him and doesn’t know if she can trust their relationship yet, she goes to bed with him to make him feel better. Don’t do this, ladies*. Don’t sleep with dudes to make them feel better about themselves or the effort they put into their dates or out of some obligation. If you don’t want to sleep with him yet, it’s totally ok to not sleep with him, no matter how cool the date he planned was. Say thank you, plan to see him again, and sleep with him only if you are ready to sleep with him. If he’s truly a good guy, he’s going to be ok with waiting.
*or men! Dudes can wait to have sex, too! It’s ok!