There have been many things preventing me from writing this review. 1) Orange is the New Black came back so I obviously had to watch the entire season in a day. 2) Ticketmaster irritation. I got so many free vouchers! I haven’t been able to use any of my codes, probably because those assholes gave a bunch of people the same voucher number and called it “first come, first serve.” I wanted to see Duran Duran, damn it! And 3) I just didn’t want to write this review. SEASON 7, WHY MUST YOU BE YOU??
But, seriously – DURAN DURAN. As a former goth girl who spent many a night dancing to 80s New Wave, I love Duran Duran! I’ve seen them before, but I’d like to see them again. Maybe on a night when I don’t have to work and then drive 90 minutes to try to catch their encore? That would be cool. Ticketmaster is a bunch of jerks.
My favorite Duran Duran song is Rio. Ah, the 80s. When you could literally sit on a boat and do some pratfalls and call it a video:
Lorelai and C-Money got married last episode. I’m sure there won’t be any fallout at all from that decision!
C-Money starts talking but all I can focus on is Lorelai’s tiny ass TV:
There’s nothing wrong with having a tiny TV (or no TV). But I don’t believe that Lorelai, a character who has defined so much of herself by the media she consumes, would have such a tiny TV! Especially when she and Rory have movie nights all the time. I’m sure if there was ever a scene written by Amy Sherman-Palladino where Lorelai needed a new TV she would say something about getting a big one so you can watch The Godfather and really see the fear in the eyes of that dude who wakes up with the horse’s head in his bed.
C-Money rightly points out that someone like Lorelai might want to get a bigger TV. I can’t believe I agree with C-Money. Does that mean I’m wrong?
Rory is on the phone with Smarmy and – SURPRISE! – he’s in the apartment! This has ceased being cute. Now it’s stalkery. She’s going to come home one night and he’s going to go all Kathy Bates in Misery on her. Smarmy is moving back to the States and he’s going to get an apartment in the city so he doesn’t have to spend a lot of time driving. That’s what all those guys on Mad Men did so they could cheat on their wives all week.
Poochie is still living with Luke because this has been the longest two weeks (two months?) in the history of any TV show. It’s weird, too, because Luke is much more open and relaxed around Poochie than he ever was around Lorelai. They have a better relationship than Luke/Lorelai ever did.
Poochie will be attending her first boy/girl party. Luke asks if Proto Lorelai has a problem with that. NOPE. NO PROBLEM AT ALL. Apparently the only time Proto Lorelai has a problem leaving Poochie around anyone is when that person is Lorelai. Poochie then freaks out when Luke mentions kissing, but she was so excited to set him up with her science teacher a few episodes ago. Does she not know adults kiss? And that sometimes that kissing leads to sex which leads to children that get plopped into TV shows to be stumbling blocks in the way of the relationships we actually care about? (nobody tell her!)
When Rory comes over for dinner Lorelai and C-Money tell her that they got married. C-Money doesn’t seem to be able to read the room and see how uncomfortable both women are with the way the whole thing went down. He just smiles and babbles because he is a functional idiot. I mean, look at this:
This is the perfect illustration of C-Money and Lorelai’s relationship. She’s super uncomfortable but trying to talk herself into being ok with whatever is going on, and he’s grinning like an idiot playing with a Slinky.
Rory, who is pissed that her mom ran off and got married, goes to Smarmy’s party where she encounters the White Guy With A Fake Accent from the previous episode. Bobbi is there, that Guy With The Real Accent is there, and so are like a million boring people none of us care about. It’s at this party that we learn that Rory interviewed Obama.
Rory interviewed Obama and we are just NOW hearing about it? Fuck you, Season 7. You are the worst. You know who the villain of Season 7 is? SEASON 7! It’s its own worst enemy.
That’s illustrated perfectly in the next scene where Rory and Smarmy get in a fight because Rory decided to write an “article” about how terrible the people at Smarmy’s party were. Smarmy acts like he hates the privileged world he comes from. Or he has ever since we met him. Now he’s upset that Rory would write something about how much they suck. To be fair, Rory’s article sounds dumb. It sounds like a blog post for her personal blog, not something that should be published on a platform with any sort of readership. She’s amazed at how mean she is in her article. Rory, did you forget the ballerina incident already?
Smarmy finally tells Rory something that she should have been aware of a long time ago – she’s pretty much a trust fund kid. She’s not the hardscrabble outsider she pretends to be. She has zero living expenses and she’ll walk out of college without owing a dime in loans. She storms off and we all wish Smarmy would have been written off the show 4 episodes ago.
Meanwhile, Lorelai has to tell C-Money that Rory is less than thrilled with their marriage. He can’t believe it because he’s basically a rock with some googlely eyes glued to it.
Poochie is dying or something so Luke calls Lorelai for advice. Not his sister who has a grown child of her own. Not Taylor or Babette or anyone he actually talks to on a regular basis. Not Mrs. Kim. Lorelai. And neither of them seem surprised to hear the other’s voice. Lorelai tells him to take Poochie to the hospital and then she shows up to see how he’s doing. Again, neither seem awkward or weird until Luke clocks Lorelai’s wedding band.
Lorelai goes from the hospital to Smarmy’s place to talk to Rory. Admittedly, I am falling asleep during this scene. I’m not kidding. They girls talk and I guess everything is ok. Lorelai tells C-Money everything is ok (or something – I kept drifting off) and then we end on Luke watching some old movie while he hangs out in Poochie’s hospital room. I’m sure it all means something but this was me watching the end of this episode: