Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 7, Episode 10 “Merry Fisticuffs”

The “Oh, gross, he’s touching me!” face:

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Lorelai and C-Money are looking at houses but Lorelai would never leave Stars Hollow. She’s the queen of Stars Hollow! Can royalty permanently move out of their kingdoms without being overthrown (or murdered)? The people of Stars Hollow would have to commit regicide in order to get rid of her.

Liz brings the baby to the diner. This is some sort of mutant baby that is now 11 pounds even though she was born last episode. If she was 11 pounds at birth I’m sure that would have been mentioned. Since it wasn’t, I must assume that this child weighed 7-8 pounds at birth. So she’s gained 4 pounds in a week? Is that a thing? Are babies like tiny cows?

Liz mentions that the baby is two weeks old, so that makes me feel better. This isn’t some sort of Ursula the sea witch baby getting ready to burst her onesie.

ursula-o

If I had to put money on the person most likely to give birth to a baby that is actually a sea witch in disguise,  a witch who is biding her time until she can bust her baby shell and throw the whole town into chaos, it would definitely be Liz.

Rory calls Lorelai while she’s planning her “wedding party” with Judgy WASP Mom and a guy who isn’t Alex Borstein but is pretending to be. Isn’t another (better) word for “wedding party” a “reception?” Also, Judgy WASP Mom was very clear that this scene is taking place on a Sunday morning. Where the hell are all these kids going on Sunday morning (and why is that coffee cart open on a weekend when it wouldn’t do any business)?

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C-Money has officially moved to Stars Hollow and it hasn’t affected the job he has in Boston in the least. Maybe he was able to transfer offices and do whatever it is he does closer to Lorelai’s kingdom. Since Lorelai is the queen of Stars Hollow, she gets to wait outside while C-Money, a lowly servant, waits in line at Doose’s to pay for their stale groceries. She runs into Luke, who is pushing Doula down the street, and I hope for the baby’s sake that it was actually cold on set on this day and not the typical 82 degrees of Burbank, CA.

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That is a serious snow suit. Hopefully by this shot the baby is actually a doll or a watermelon wearing clothing. When C-Money sees Lorelai holding the baby he gets all mad. “NO, MY LADY! THOU SHANT HOLD A BABY THAT I HAVE NOT PLANTED IN THYNE WOMB VIA UNPROTECTED SEX WHILST WE WERE DRUNK ON THE FINEST TWO BUCK CHUCK IN THE KINGDOM!”

Back at Yale, Rory takes Smarmy to go eat in the dining hall. …how is Rory, a senior living OFF CAMPUS, still able to eat in the dining hall?  Don’t you need to live in the dorms and be on a meal plan in order to partake in shitty, shitty dorm food (I sure did!)? Smarmy tries to tell Rory that he’s never eaten in the dining hall save the odd “bowl of cereal” which is complete bullshit because we’ve seen him in the dining hall before. They even broke in to the dining hall for ice cream. (Side note – Yale only has one dining hall? Let’s call bullshit on that right now.) Smarmy and Rory run into Jessica Jones and Marty. They’re all going to dinner together tomorrow night yet Jessica Jones is the only person who doesn’t know about the history between the three. That’s really shitty.

That night, C-Money and Lorelai bone and we get there just in time to hear C-Money tell Lorelai that he wants to have a(nother) baby with her. Isn’t Gigi like 2 years old? Do you seriously want another baby already? When Lorelai brings this up and mentions that they’ve only been married for like 7 seconds, C-Money gets all huffy and decides not to talk about why having an instant baby is so important to him. Having children is a pretty important subject that married couples need to discuss. You can’t just roll over and decide not to talk about it.

C-Money is still being a dick the next day when they go to taste the food for their reception wedding. Judgy WASP Mom has decided that the “party” is now an actual wedding with vows. When Lorelai rightly points out that the entire reason two people elope is to avoid the bullshit that is wedding planning, C-Money starts snipping at her about how she gets whatever she wants and then they make these faces:

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Yeah. Marriage was a good idea for the two of you.

Luke is dealing with kid drama of his own when Proto Lorelai decides to keep Poochie from him because he dared to remind her that he does indeed have legal parental rights to his child. I’m less surprised that she pulled this move than I am that she didn’t abscond in the middle of the night with the kid in tow.  Luke goes to a lawyer who tells him that in child custody cases the court almost always sides with the mother. This isn’t actually true. I think Luke has a pretty damn good case on his hands illustrating that Proto Lorelai isn’t making the best decisions for her child, especially when the fact that April didn’t learn Luke was her father until she ran a DNA test on her own is brought to the court’s attention.

Rory and Smarmy go on their double date with Marty and Jessica Jones. Marty met Jessica Jones by stalking her, which isn’t the cute story Jessica Jones thinks it is given this story or even the back story of Marvel’s Jessica Jones. Smarmy, who is a shitface and also the only person in the scene who gives a crap about Jessica Jones’s feelings, finally tells Jessica Jones that Rory and Marty used to be friends. Jessica Jones runs away and Rory gets mad at Smarmy, even though I don’t think he was in the wrong here. He could have been more gentle about the whole thing, but I wouldn’t want to be part of their dumb lie, either.

In Stars Hollow, a drunk C-Money and an angry Luke wordlessly fight in the middle of the town square like two Rock’Em Sock’Em Robots.

They knock over a Christmas tree and then they walk away from each other. I hope they both feel their dicks are sufficiently large after this display of masculine aggression.

Lorelai gets home from avoiding C-Money inventory to find her mother on her porch. Judgy WASP Mom has come to dispense advice about marriage to Lorelai – it’s not about being happy, it’s about compromise, and marriage is serious business. Marriage is serious business. It’s not something that should be entered into lightly. Though I’m not sure I buy that marriage is supposed to be about two people not being happy most of the time. No one is ever happy 100% of the time (married or not) and it is ridiculous to think that being married equals waking up like you’re in a fucking Disney movie every day. But, in my experience, the factors that have made my marriage difficult at times aren’t internal factors. I would say 90% of “difficult marriage moments” are “difficult life moments,” meaning they would be challenging regardless of my relationship status. These are things like dealing with a serious, life-threatening illness, work insecurity, a death in the family, etc.

What makes Lorelai’s marriage shaky is the same thing that makes her relationship to every other character in the show shaky: She has a complete and utter inability to communicate on an adult level. This is not just a trait that Lorelai has. Luke has it, C-Money has it, Rory has it. None of these characters are able to sit down with the people they care for the most and actually tell them what they want or need out of their relationships. And because they’re unable to do that, those “difficult life moments” I mentioned above will become relationship-ending disasters (just like what happened between Luke and Lorelai when Poochie showed up.)

Lorelai is also selfish as fuck so that doesn’t help matters. But I think she got to the point where she was afraid that “marriage” as an idea wasn’t ever going to happen to her so she ran off and hooked up with C-Money out of desperation. Not the best move!

 

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