I hope that what happened at the end of the last episode doesn’t have any bearing on what happened in this episode. I kind of fell asleep (lol – kind of. I did.) during the last episode so…
I’m not going back to see if I missed anything important. In previous seasons I probably would have because small moments often lead to larger problems/moments in the season. But season 7 is very clear about what the problems are in each episode and in the season as a whole. Plus – I really don’t give any shits. I give exactly zero shits. Read the following in the Seasame Street Count Voice: “Zero! Zero shits! AH AH AH!”
Lorelai and C-Money are celebrating their marriage with the strangely happy elder Gilmores (and Rory.) Wouldn’t you think Judgy WASP Mom would be throwing the fit to end all fits because she didn’t get to attend the wedding? She gives her a little shit but not “you got married without telling me” levels of shit, like Lorelai deserves for telling her via voice mail. They must have her on some serious mood stabilizers this season because nothing seems to bother her.
The elder Gilmore give Lorelai and C-Money a picture of me (pre-waxing) as a wedding present:
I am sexy.
Judgy WASP Mom and Spacey Grandpa want to throw Lorelai and C-Money a wedding party so they can invite all the people who didn’t get to attend the wedding. Honestly, this is the best case scenario for weddings. You don’t have to travel to see anyone get married, you don’t have to sit through an exceedingly long ceremony (when you’re Catholic, that’s a big deal. That’s hours of your life you get back!) and you get to have a party a.k.a. the only part of a wedding anyone actually likes. But Lorelai is not into this idea for some reason. Maybe because she’s horribly embarrassed that she married C-Money and she’s trying to figure out a way to escape?
Rory moves back into Paris’s place so Logan doesn’t have to pay for an apartment for Rory and for his Manhattan Fuck Palace. Logan is obviously not an English major because he points out that Rory has “two copies of the Norton Anthology.”
How I wish there was only one Norton Anthology in existence. I could build myself a sturdy 4 bedroom home with all the damn Norton Anthologies I had to buy during my undergrad years. (No class used the same one. Not one class! Textbooks are a racket, y’all.)
Then Paris walks in with the BEST SWEATER THAT HAS EVER BEEN WORN IN A TELEVISION SHOW EVER:
SIAMESE CAT SWEATER. I would like one in every color, please. The Paris of seasons past would never wear this. That does not make it any less amazing.
Stars Hollow is holding a Knit-a-Thon because this a town that believes as long as you add “a-thon” to the end of an activity it suddenly becomes something you can charge people money to do/watch. Lorelai will be participating in the knit-a-thon, but only as long as C-Money stays hidden in the house until he dies. She doesn’t want anyone to know that they got married because marrying C-Money is more shameful than voting for Donald Trump.
Luke and TJ have a mancrisis/mansplaining session when TJ tells Luke that Liz is going to have a home birth. This news is presented as if this is the craziest thing a woman could possibly do since all babies since the dawn of time were born in hospitals. I would never have a home birth because I would have to then clean all that shit up afterwards and that is gross (also I’m not a candidate for a home birth.) However, that doesn’t mean it’s not the right choice for other women. Some women have done and will do quite well giving birth at home. But the way it’s presented here it’s like “ONLY CRAZY WOMEN HAVE BIRTH AT HOME! ISN’T LIZ NUTS!! OMG, WHAT A DANGEROUS NUTBALL!” Luke agrees to be there for the birth and sends TJ on his way just in time to see C-Money and Lorelai walking around town. He looks at them like he is plotting their deaths:
This is something out of a Lifetime movie about the man who loses his shit, takes his ex and her new husband hostage, and then tortures and kills them in the middle of a forest somewhere. For the rest of the scene, Luke Charlizes it all over the diner.
At Yale, Jessica Jones is turning 21 so they’re throwing a 2002-themed birthday party. Why 2002? This is never explained. (Because it’s the year they started college?) They’re all, “LOL, IT’S NOT THAT YEAR ANYMORE! REMEMBER WHEN 2002 WAS A YEAR???” Can’t wait until someone decides to throw a 2016 party and it’s held in a parking lot where people wearing Trump wigs crowd around a dumpster fire while stock markets crash in the background and celebrity deaths are announced every two minutes.
Back at the diner, Luke the Murderer gets the news that Proto Lorelai is going to take Poochie and move to New Mexico. Hey Luke, remember how you blew up your entire relationship with Lorelai because of Poochie? Remember how you didn’t tell Proto Lorelai to calm the fuck down and deal with Lorelai as an adult instead of flying off the handle because “her kid” met another person? Remember how you didn’t want Lorelai to meet Poochie because you were worried Poochie would like her better? Remember how you lied to Lorelai for months because you are a completely stunted person who is incapable of communicating? AREN’T YOU FUCKING GLAD YOU DID ALL OF THAT NOW?? Aren’t we all glad that the show torpedoed its main relationship just so Poochie would get taken back to her home planet in the next season? NONE OF THIS WAS WORTH IT. None of it. A character was introduced into the show for the express purpose of driving a wedge between Luke and Lorelai. Now that the wedge is there, the character gets removed. It’s frustrating because it renders all of the drama up to this point meaningless. We aren’t going to get a Luke and Lorelai reunion where they then have to try to mix their families together. We aren’t going to get Lorelai and Proto Lorelai finding common ground and working toward accepting Poochie’s place in both their lives. We aren’t going to get Rory adjusting to being a stepsister. Instead, we get nothing. They blew up the show for nothing.
In the next scene, Sookie is doing this:
This offends me as an Italian-American. She’s trying to make the spaghetti look like yarn so it’ll be on theme. Sookie….you do know you could take a large fork, stick it in the spaghetti, twirl it around, and then push the twirled spaghetti off your fork onto a plate or into a bowl? You could even do this:
Is it possible that Sookie is the worst chef? Or is it more possible that there are not nearly enough Italians writing TV shows? We learn to twirl spaghetti onto our forks, sans spoon, at a pretty early age, so the idea of just grabbing handfuls of spaghetti and trying to form a ball that way is insanity.
Sookie and Lorelai set C-Money and Jackson up on a “man date” because Jackson has “clout.” Since fucking when? Kirk has more Stars Hollow clout than Jackson does. Lorelai even says that Jackson is loved and respected. Zach is more loved and respected than Jackson is. Jackson lingers on the periphery of the show. Jackson barely registers. The only reason he was voted in a town selectman (an office he held for like a day before the show forgot about it) was because they were all tired of Taylor’s bullshit. But how could anyone tire of Taylor when he’s willing to appear in public wearing this?
Other things that happen in this episode:
- Liz has the baby and they name it Doula.
- Proto Lorelai screams at Luke for making plans to have his daughter visit him during school vacations.
- Rory and Marty are friends again.
- Paris and Doyle…dance? I think? I’m not sure what they’re doing.
C-Money ruins the Knitathon (no hyphens used in the show) by donating the amount of money they need to reach their goal. Everyone is sad because they wanted to keep knitting in the cold.
Back at the weird 2002 Themed Party, Drunk Marty tells Drunk Rory that he still wants to play hide the salami with her. This is upsetting on many levels, not the least of which is that Jessica Jones is a really nice girl who doesn’t deserve to have a shit heel for a boyfriend.
Luke, motivated by the power of babies, goes to Proto Lorelai’s place to tell her that he has rights! I full expect this means that Proto Lorelai will pack everything up and move in the dead of night without leaving a forwarding address. Even if this declaration means Poochie will stick around, I honestly no longer care. I’m tired of Poochie drama. I don’t actually hate the character, I hate what the character represents to the show. And what she’s represented since she arrived is needless drama. This is drama so obviously manufactured by writers that it ceases to have any real meaning for the characters.