Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 7, Episode 11 “Santa’s Secret Stuff”

Happy 4th of July! As we all know, there’s no better time of year than during the most quintessential of American summer celebrations to talk about a Christmas episode of the Gilmore Girls.

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Googling the words “Santa” and “America” is 100% guaranteed to produce some amazing results.

Rory has returned from her trip to visit Smarmy in London though we were told a few episodes ago that he was going to be living in New York in his “this is how Don Draper got away with cheating for so long”-style apartment. Everyone goes to meet Rory when she pulls up, including Gigi because apparently she’s also back from jet-setting around Paris like a bored socialite. Gigi has a line and Rory completely ignores her until she’s forced to give her an awkward hug. This is a person who (rightly) fears children.

Since Rory spent Christmas in London, Lorelai refused to celebrate it until she returned. I’m sure that was really awesome for Gigi! That’s not going to make her feel like she’s not as loved as her sister once she grows up and thinks about it!

The girls are set in their Christmas traditions, but C-Money wants to make new traditions since this is their “first Christmas together as a family.” This means that in the 21 years Rory has been alive he has never once spent a Christmas with his daughter.

Later, Luke goes to the Inn to talk to Lorelai. First he has to talk to Michele who makes this face:

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It’s easy to assume he’s making this face because he hates Luke, which is incorrect. This is the face Michele makes when he has to interact with anyone. Fair enough. People are the worst.

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Luke, a walking example of People Being The Worst, has come to ask Lorelai to write a letter about how great he is so the judge will grant him joint custody of Poochie. Lorelai agrees to write the reference, and really it’s the least she can do considering how much free Luke’s Diner food she and Rory have eaten over the years.  She has a lot of trouble writing the letter because she can’t write what she really wants to write, which is: “OMG, I LOVE HIM AND I MADE THE WORST DECISION MARRYING THIS FUCKING C-MONEY MORON WHO HAS KNOCKED UP PRETTY MUCH EVERY WOMAN WHO HAS EVER CROSSED HIS PATH. PLEASE SAVE ME! ANNUL MY DUMB MARRIAGE AND SEND POOCHIE TO LIVE WITH HER MOTHER SO LUKE AND I CAN PLAY WITH HIS PANTS PYTHON! SINCERELY, LORELAI GILMORE”

At the diner, Lane’s body is being slowly overtaken by a giant beach ball tumor:

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Poochie has decided to lie to her mother and hang out with Luke for the day. Luke is an idiot so he completely ignores his instinct to take Poochie home. This sort of thing can absolutely fuck up a court case, but I’m sure Lorelai’s letter will encourage the judge to let this sort of deceit slide. (#Sarcasm)

Speaking of deceit, Lorelai hasn’t told C-Money that she’s writing a letter for Luke. This will cause no problems and should not even be mentioned in the episode.

Let’s take a break from the episode to gaze into hell:

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Poor Lane. She married a paperweight instead of a man, had terrible sex with that paperweight, and is now carrying a million baby paperweights. They’re threatening to overtake her very being and her mother couldn’t be happier. How can Lane’s story not be seen as tragic? She wanted to break free of her mother’s strict ways and when it looked like she was just about to do that, she got knocked up from bad sex and is now going to have to defer her dreams for 18+ years until the kids are in college. I just want to hug her and tell her that it’ll all be ok. Eventually.

There’s nothing wrong with having kids at an early age if that’s what you want. But all signs in the show point to Lane not  wanting this for herself. She wanted a music career, she wanted to tour with her band, she wanted to create something that would mean something to other isolated girls, just like the music she listened to meant so much to her. Now she’s stuck in Stars Hollow with a guy who isn’t all that great, two kids on the way, and she’s still under her mother’s thumb. Hang in there, Lane.

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After almost getting caught writing her Luke letter, Lorelai and Rory go to the Burbank mall to find C-Money a Christmas gift. They run into Luke and Poochie at the Discovery Store (which I don’t think is called the Discovery Store in the show. Also, I don’t believe it exists anymore.) While Rory and Luke talk about all the presents Luke gave her over the years, Lorelai has a “I still love this man and should have married him” moment:

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There is also a killer meerkat onscreen in the background making a “I will bite you because you married an idiot” face.

Side note – this must have been filmed right after Pluto was downgraded from “planet” to “dwarf planet.” I think Pluto got the last laugh, though.

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That gif is very sad but Pluto is far from alone – it’s tidally locked with Charon, its largest moon, making it the only dwarf binary planet system in our solar system. That’s pretty fucking cool.

Back in Stars Hollow, Lane basically says what I wrote above – she only had a millisecond of time when she was her own person. Now that window is gone. Zach tries to make her feel better by telling her that Mick Jagger has a million kids and he still rocks! Sure, he does. Probably because he didn’t have to carry those children, recover from their birth, and then be tied to them until it was determined time to stop breastfeeding. No one ever questioned his devotion to his kids when he decided to play concerts after 9 p.m. on a weeknight, no one whispered to their friends, “Shouldn’t he be home with the baby?” as he shimmied across the stage. Lane believes him because she has to have something to hold on to, even if that something is a fantasy for all but the most famous women. Let’s be honest – the only reason people aren’t ragging on Beyonce for going on tour while she has a young child is because Beyonce was already super famous when she had that child. Also, the Beygency will kill anyone who speaks ill of Queen Bey.

Lorelai finishes her Luke letter and mails it while C-Money, Rory, and Gigi “make cookies.” Now we all wait until C-Money finds out about the letter. I can’t tell you how little I care about this story, but I also know it has to happen because Luke has always been end game for Lorelai.

 

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 7, Episode 11 “Santa’s Secret Stuff”

  1. Lane loves zach. He may be an idiot but she loves him. They didn’t have to have sex if they knew the consequences. This is one of the most annoying things I’ve read ever

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