In honor of the 8 (EIGHT!!!!!!!!) reviews I have left to write about this show, please enjoy this gif of BB-8 giving the thumbs (lighter? torch?) up.
Lorelai has been spending time at the hospital with Spacey Grandpa. The inn has used this time to hire this person, who we have never seen before, to do Lorelai things:
Who are you? Why aren’t you Michele?
Michele is too busy hanging out with his dog to carry around an important leather folder like Lorelai’s Stand In. His dog’s brother died so he needs to console his remaining dog. I get it, Michele. I get it.
In trying to relate to Michele (MISTAKE NUMBER 1!) Lorelai gets herself roped into throwing a memorial for Michele’s dog. I am not against animal funerals as I like animals more than I like most people, but it should be on the owner of the animal to throw a memorial, not on some rando. Babette had one for Cinnamon back in season 1 and she threw it herself.
When Rory gets back to Yale Paris gives her the notes from their “Intro to Feminism” class with her personal insights blocked out. She’s deduced that there isn’t room for many women at the top.
First – wrong insight, Paris. Second – you guys are seniors and you’re only in intro to feminism? The girls with the NOW posters on their walls are just now getting around to taking the INTRO to feminism course? Weak sauce.
Not only has Paris made it through 4 years of college without taking a gender studies course, she’s made it through 4 years of college without seeing a beer bong before. Or a “beer funnel,” as she calls it. Paris is weird but she’s not a shut in. I’ve never been much of a drinker or partier, and just from watching TV and movies about college I learned what a beer bong is.
Paris also thinks Smarmy acting like a decent human is equivalent to “breaking” a horse. She may want to get her dosage recalibrated.
After going over the particulars of the dog funeral, Lorelai gets ambushed by C-Money. He says that he took off because he “needed space.” Lorelai rightly points out that they’re married. There’s no running off for days without a word because you need “space.” She’s right. If you have any respect at all for your spouse you can’t just disappear after a fight (unless you’re running from an abusive situation. C-Money wasn’t, so he doesn’t get to pretend to be a fucking escape artist on a bender.)
She tells him that when he wasn’t there part of her wasn’t surprised. NONE OF US WERE. C-MONEY IS THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF AN ARBY’S ROAST BEEF SANDWICH WITH CHEESE THAT’S BEEN LEFT IN A HOT CAR FOR 14 DAYS. He is a constant stinky disappointment and no one should be shocked when he gives you food poisoning.
At Yale, Rory goes to her econ class and the substitute immediately runs up to her. He’s all, “Rory, I am so glad you’re here! Let me tell you how great I’ll be teaching this class that somehow you enrolled in even though your family member would be the one responsible for giving you a grade that would affect your GPA.” Rory sees this guy and is all
and maybe a little
Maybe not that last one. I still don’t have any inclination that Rory Gilmore is a sexual being. She strikes me as very asexual and I’m not sure why.
TIME FOR JEN’S OPINION ABOUT RORY’s CRUSH – (lol, this whole fucking BLOG is my opinion!) He looks like Jackson. Jackson is not in this episode presumably because Sookie killed him and turned him into a stew of some sort. Or a pie. Or both. Crush Guy isn’t doing it for me but I have weird taste in men and cannot be trusted to judge male attractiveness for the majority of the heterosexual female population. I mean, I find Ben Affleck attractive. And only recent Ben Affleck – none of that hanging out with Kevin Smith and bitching about malls shit. Older, obviously bitter Ben Affleck from movies like Argo, Gone Girl, Batman v. Superman: Why Is This Movie Three Goddamned Hours of Bullshit?, and The Town (but only a little.) I am a terrible person.
When Lorelai gets home she and C-Money continue their fight. Not surprisingly, C-Money wants to give up on their relationship.
I’ve never been able to give this character the benefit of the doubt because he’s always been written as someone who runs from his problems. Yes, he agreed to marry Lorelai when they found out she was pregnant with Rory. But he was 16. He would have pulled a Floppy and been fucking some chick he worked with behind Lorelai’s back before Rory was out of diapers. He ran from business venture to business venture, he was never there for Rory when she was growing up, he tried to run from Pretty Hair but couldn’t because she was pregnant, and now he wants to run from Lorelai because things are a little difficult.
Lorelai decides that the only way to make things right with C-Money is to cut Luke out of her life entirely. She’ll now see Luke zero times a day, a huge decrease from the whopping zero times a day she currently sees him. Such a huge sacrifice. She’s so brave.
Rory goes back to her apartment to find Smarmy waiting to surprise her AGAIN. This is about the 9000th time he’s pulled this crap since the beginning of the season and it’s starting to get creepy.
Rory decides that she needs to sit Smarmy down and tell him that she has a crush on her teacher. Lord, Rory. Don’t treat it like it’s serious because it’s not. You’re attracted to another guy. That’s pretty normal. As long as you aren’t acting on it physically or emotionally, you’re ok. You think my husband got upset when I told him I bought Gone Girl on BluRay because I wanted to stare at Ben Affleck? (I hate myself for finding him attractive. I really, really, do.) I hate agreeing with Smarmy but when you trust someone those things don’t really bother you all that much.
Lorelai goes straight from the dog funeral to tell C-Money that she doesn’t want to be with him because being with him was a dumb idea to start with. And just like that it’s over.
Fun fact – this is now the third time in seven seasons Lorelai has been in the middle of planning a wedding only to have it fall apart at the last-minute.