Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 7, Episode 15 “I’m a Kayak, Hear Me Roar”

SEVEN LEFT.

I love that movie. It gets a bad rap these days for being campy and outlandish, but I love me some BatCat goodness. Maybe I’ll review all the Batman movies from 1989’s Batman through the Nolan trilogy.

Maybe. Those are some long ass movies.

Lorelai tells Rory that she and C-Money are done. Rory’s all

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She is the audience stand in during this reveal. We are all “meh” over this completely unsurprising news.

At Friday Night Dinner, all of the girls wear a shade of blue. This must mean something but I’m not inclined enough to break out the red string a la Beautiful Mind and figure it out. So…sadness? Sounds good. Spacey Grandpa is upset because Judgy WASP Mom has been going overboard on the whole fish thing and he hasn’t eaten anything with taste in weeks. Because of the tension in the house Lorelai doesn’t tell her mother that the party/wedding she’s planning (and paying for) needs to be cancelled.

Rory goes to Smarmy’s “I FUCK CHICKS!” apartment in Manhattan. It’s his birthday. Great. Happy day you showed up for the rest of us to deal with, Smarmy. Also – why the fuck is your CD tower on the windowsill? Hoping to make the other rich people jealous of your terrible decorating taste?

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In Stars Hollow, Babette is filling Miss Patty in on the Lorelai drama. Before we continue we have to take a moment to look at how lovely Miss Patty looks in this scene:

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GORGEOUS.

Liz and TJ show up to “keep Luke company” while Poochie is away. In actuality they have moths and they need somewhere to stay while the house is being fumigated. If only there were an inn somewhere within the town limits… Later, we enter into a bizarro universe where TJ is the only person in the scene making any sense. He tells Luke that Lorelai is nothing but drama and he should get out while the getting is good. How did he become the most reasonable character on the show?

Lorelai brings her father his blood thinners and she walks right into chaos. The chef, who is French which means he is related to Michele, has just quit and no one can find the maid. Lorelai offers to cook her father something to eat. “Cooking” means “call Sookie and have her bring over some crap.”

Rory and Smarmy meet Poppa Smarmy for dinner to celebrate Smarmy’s 25th birthday. Rory is 21. Smarmy was only a year ahead of her at Yale. How is he 25? How many classes did he fail? No wonder his dad was so pissed. For some reason Rory is acting like everything is fine between her and Poppa Smarmy when, last we heard, everything was not fine. At all.

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Mansplaning, personified

Rory is apparently writing for an online magazine now? Is this like the time she interviewed Obama or had that job with Poppa Smarmy’s paper that was never mentioned? Suddenly Poppa Smarmy is like “we need smart, talented people like you in journalism, Rory!” Wait. What? Since fucking when did this prick believe in her? Or like her enough to sit through a dinner with her? Or tell her that she’s a positive influence on Smarmy???? (Also – where is the rest of Smarmy’s nightmare family?)

TJ’s making sense, Poppa Smarmy isn’t being a fuckface…

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Poppa Smarmy thinks Rory is part of the team now that Smarmy isn’t a complete and total fuck up. As a reward for Smarmy’s “hard” work (he’s got millions of dollars at his disposal, it isn’t THAT hard to be  successful when you’ve already got resources to make things happen) Poppa Smarmy wants to give Rory a position at any paper she wants. What about how she didn’t have it? Her vagina is magic and made Smarmy not suck so please have a career as a thank you!

Judgy WASP Mom and Lorelai are drinking together while they try to figure out the Gilmore’s finances. Lorelai tells her that she and C-Money broke up and Judgy WASP Mom is like, “meh.” Then she starts telling Lorelai about how she doesn’t know how she’ll manage without Spacey Grandpa…NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. SHE’LL HAVE TO IN THE REVIVAL!! OH GOD! IT’S ALL SO FUCKING SAD!!

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She tells Lorelai that she went to college but never had any aspirations other than to be a wife and run the social life of the family. She would do her thing and he would do his. It worked, until it didn’t. How true is that for so many women of Judgy WASP Mom’s generation? I remember hearing stories about friends of friends distant older relations who had bought into that system and then the husband dropped dead of a massive coronary and they didn’t even know where the checkbook was or what bills needed to be paid. Some women didn’t find out until it was too late that the house they thought was paid for was actually in foreclosure and his life insurance wouldn’t even cover the cost of the funeral. The patriarchy is a hell of a drug. All those women probably thought they were doing what they were “supposed” to do by letting their husbands be the financial head of the household only to have something unforeseen happen along the way. The lesson? Always be involved in your family’s financial life. Always cultivate skills. Always know how to get shit done on your own. At the end of the day, the way things are “supposed” to be done doesn’t mean shit if you end up destitute because you didn’t think finances should be handled by a woman.

Lorelai has learned what most women her age and younger have had to learn – do this shit on your own. Do not wait for a man to do it for you. Being in a relationship is great and if you end up in one, make sure it’s one where you have as much say in your financial future as he (or she) does. Being able to take care of yourself (and your family!) is the most invaluable thing you can ever give yourself. Knowing you can make your own money and pay your own bills is better than any relationship where you’re “taken care of.” Always remember the words of Queen Bey:

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After they get back from the weird dinner with Poppa Smarmy, Smarmy learns that he is going to get totally fucked by the business deal his dad advised against. I wouldn’t worry too much, Smarmy has lawyers that are so good he literally suffered no consequences when he stole that yacht with Rory.

Lorelai wakes up the next morning after getting wasted with her mother. She thinks that something changed between them because her mother was so open about her feelings and because she told her that it wasn’t going to be a tragedy if she got a divorce. Nope. Judgy WASP Mom is cold as ever. It’s upsetting. Two steps forward and a million back.

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