L.A. Jesus

Since my last post my boyfriend and I (and the cat) moved to Los Angeles. It’s a bit of a culture shock but I guess I’m adjusting nicely. Since no one really wants to hear about the move (long drive, almost blew both front tires in Colorado and made it into Denver by the grace of God) I’m going to share what I believe is possibly the greatest thing ever.

I saw Jesus.

I was driving home from this fabulously cool vodka bar in West Hollywood. We were on Sunset. It was night. I was eating a piece of flatbread (unleavened bread??). Well, maybe less “eating” and more “shoving food into my face because I was so f*cking hungry”. I was stopped at a light when out of the corner of my eye I saw him. Jesus. Technically a man dressed as Jesus, but, whatever. Jesus. He was wearing a long white robe and had shoulder-length shiny brown hair. He was standing in front of our nation’s most valuable institution, a Bank of America. He was trying to position himself directly in the middle of a bright spotlight that was shining down onto the ATMs. Apparently the Lord can conjure fishes and loaves of bread, but not cold hard American cash. And he was staring at the passing traffic with a look I could not decipher – was he trying to say, “Look at me, I’m a street performer in need of discovery by a major talent agency”? Or “I am crazy and in need of discovery by a realty TV show”? I’ll never know.

When I saw him, I yelled, “JESUS!”. Actually, I yelled “JJJJSSSSS!” and sprayed bread crumbs all over the windshield. Once I swallowed I excitedly pointed Jesus out to my boyfriend. He was not nearly as excited as I was. Didn’t he understand? It’s JESUS! And he has really healthy hair! Pantine Pro-V commercial hair! Hair that shiny takes work! Then I uttered the following sentence, one which I can never take back: “I can’t wait to Tweet this!” I am still hanging my head in shame.