Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 6, Episode 9 “The Prodigal Daughter Returns”

I HAVE RETURNED! After a short hiatus for literally no reason other than my own laziness, I have returned to review once more! Oh, the joy that must be rippling through the internets at this very moment!

Don’t worry. You’ll get to feel the joy of my return again next weekend – I have a bunch of shit planned and won’t be able to do any reviews until Sunday.

Last we saw the Gilmores, Rory was completely done with Judgy WASP Mom treating her like Lorelai, Broody had reminded Rory that she likes school, and Rory had a huge public fight with Smarmy because he is 10 pounds of shit shoved into a 5 pound bag that was then left in the sun for 40 hours. (Fuck Smarmy. He is, objectively, The Worst.)

(Stray observation – the “last time on Gilmore Girls montage is full of yell. Everyone is all “I AM THE PERSON YOU SHOULD PAY ATTENTION TO IN THIS SCENE!!” Calm down, editors. We’ve all seen what came before.)

Lorelai’s renovation of her room is finally done, but she’s not happy with it because Luke decided to plop old furniture covered in angel butts in the middle of the room. She hates it but she doesn’t think she can tell him she hates it (because TV needs conflict) so she complains to Sookie instead. In fairness, the wallpaper she chose for her room is ugly as shit, so she really can’t say anything.

Now I’m upset about that time some guy at Home Depot told me wallpaper was “out” when I wanted some to cover comic book boxes. Grr. I’m still angry that he thought I wanted it for walls (even though that is the most logical thing he could think.)

Spacey Grandpa comes home to find Smarmy’s terrible alcoholic friends moving all of Rory’s things out of the house. Well, they aren’t technically Rory’s things. They’re just stuff from a closet that the idiots thought she pointed to. Now, I lack friends, but one would assume if you are asking someone to move things for you, those things would already be packed by the time said friends arrive. Apparently not. Apparently, you can just tell your friends to pack your shit for you and then leave the house. Hmm. I may have to look into getting some of these “friend” things.

Rory moved in to Lane’s apartment where she expects to be waited on much like she was at her grandparents’ house. Lane is a good, kind-hearted person and doesn’t punch her in the face. Instead, she makes her grilled cheese! She works all day at the diner only to come home and make one grilled cheese – for Rory. And get her a soda. Cool, cool. Zach is also irritated because Rory is using all the shit in the apartment. He’s being a dick about it, but he kind of has a point considering they’re broke. (Does Zach work?)

When Sookie and Jackson come over for a “the house is done!” dinner party, Sookie turns to stone when she sees the angel butt bedroom set. Turns out those dimply asses are actually Medusa heads in disguise. C-Money calls because…I don’t actually know. He’s coming to fuck things up like he always does. Luke and Lorelai are going to fight about it, but first they need to get Sookie out of the bedroom without breaking her.

Luke & Lorelai fight. They yell about C-Money and whatever. They make up and Luke is kind of…creepy? I can’t really put my finger on what’s wrong with the scene in his old apartment. His attitude? His position? His anger? I don’t know. All I know is it feels off.

(Stray observation #2 – this is the second time in the series that Luke has been involved in a plot line that features him looking to move to a bigger place due to a life event and ends with a home renovation. The first one was when Broody came to live with him.)

Rory has decided that she needs to get a job now that she’s no longer living with her grandparents. What happened to her community service? IDK. After calling an editor at the place she interned for a reference, she decides to go down and harp on this poor guy about getting a job as a staff writer. He already told her he didn’t have any jobs available. She shows up anyway, with her resume in an envelope (?) and her “portfolio.” It’s two photo albums full of everything she’s ever written.

A portfolio should only be a few clips long and showcase your best work. No one is going to read 2 4-inch binders full of your shit.

She fights with the editor in a way that is damn uncomfortable. She refuses to take no for an answer, even choosing to remain in the waiting room after he’s told her no about 10 times. It’s off-putting. Not wanting to take no as an answer may be a great quality in a reporter. But doing it in such a way that you literally annoy the shit out of the person you want something from is a terrible quality. For anyone. In any situation.

Meanwhile, some little kid shows up at Luke’s diner because she wants to prove (or disprove) that he’s her father. Great. Another “children ruin everything!” storyline from ASP.

Judgy WASP Mom is reacting to Rory moving out by…buying a plane? A timeshare plane? Is that a thing? Don’t any of these people have therapists that help them work through their issues in healthy ways?

Lorelai tells Judgy WASP Mom that she’s not frivolous and shallow, and that Rory moving out isn’t the same as when she left all those years ago.

Back at the paper, Rory’s tactic of hanging around for days gets her 5 minutes with the editor. She should have been forcibly removed by security. Also, Rory’s 21 in this episode, right? I’m only a few years older than Rory, and I remember looking for a job back then . It was like looking for a job now – no one will see you in person if you show up unannounced; and you can’t just walk into offices to shake hands and hand out your resume, no matter how much your dad tells you that’s how he got a job back in 1969. She shouldn’t have been able to walk into the paper or sit there for days on end. The intention behind these scenes is so I can see Rory’s renewed dedication to her passion and her “never say die” attitude. I don’t see that here. I see a gross sense of entitlement and people bending to her will for no reason at all. It does not make me like the character of Rory and it certainly doesn’t make me root for her. It makes me dislike her more than I have all season, and it makes me hope she falls flat on her ass.

She doesn’t. Of course.

Luke decided to check out the science fair to see if he’s that girl’s father. He is. I like that Luke believes the DNA test run by a fucking 11-year-old for a class project and has no further questions.

I hate this. I hate this so much. I hate that no one in this fucking show can use birth control properly (Rory is the result of an unplanned pregnancy. C-Money has two kids because he can’t/won’t use a condom. Now this fucking kid shows up.) What’s even more annoying is that this kid is nothing more than a device to cause drama between Luke and Lorelai. It’s not a surprise pregnancy with an ex, because we already went that road with C-Money, but now it’s a new wrinkle or complication that Lorelai and Luke will have to deal with. I’m disappointed drama can’t be created on this show without tossing a child into the mix.

Adding kids to the mix is A Thing on TV. According to this article on ign.com:

Adding a kid in the last few seasons is a classic TV cliché that has weaved its way into story lines for decades and is widely accepted as a last ditch effort to save a dying show.

Maybe it was a last ditch effort by Amy Sherman-Palladino to get the network to play ball with her and give in to her demands. Maybe she really thought it was a good idea. In any case, I would say it failed on both fronts.

All I can say is:She’s a Poochie. She’s a pointless character thrown into the show for no god damned reason.

I know I’ve used Poochie references plenty of times in the past, but there is no one more deserving of the name than Luke’s overly intelligent daughter. (WOW! ISN’T IT AMAZING THAT BOTH LUKE AND LORELAI HAD SUPER SMART KIDS??? No, no it is not.) To my understanding, The Simpsons writers created Poochie to satirize their own network who wanted them to add another character to the show to help spice things up (there is actually a random teenage cousin(?) on this episode in a backwards hat and sunglasses who we never see again.) This is also the episode where they take a jab at uber fans and the Comic Book Guy utters the words “Worst. Episode. Ever.” which became a culture landmark (and, years later, inspired the name of my very own podcast.)

Lorelai and Rory have a “We’re back together!” moment. It doesn’t erase the fuckery of Poochie. Lorelai tells Luke that Rory’s back and she’s going back to Yale and she got a job by being an asshole. She’s so happy that Luke can’t tell her he has a shiny new child.

Woo.

I think I hate this show. Or at least this season of the show. What a fucking letdown. If I were a guest on the Gilmore Guys podcast and they asked me to give this episode a rating, I would give it 2 out of 10 scoliosis bike helmets.